BendingOver

2006-07-31T18:45:00.000+12:00

remembering robert frost:

some say the world will end in fire
some say in ice
from what i've tasted of desire
i hold with those who favor fire
but if it had to perish twice
i think i know enough of hate
to say that for destruction
ice is also great
and would suffice

that's fire and ice.
i'm so cold today.
it's the only poem i know by heart.

2006-07-30T17:09:00.000+12:00

had an argument with the pater today. about tofu. bloody f*ck*ng tofu. according to he-who-is-was-and-will-be- always-right; tokwa and tofu is not one and the same. hala riot ito.

papa ako ang nag aaral ng mandarin hokey?????????? utang na loob...

wala sira na ang araw ko. ayoko munang makakita at kumain ng tofu/tokwa... letch!!!!!!!

impossible... mater is going vegan... so bawal na ang karne sa bahay. kahit isda. pare-pareho kinakain namin para walang inggitan.

kaya kahit nakikita kong kinakawayan ako ni jollibee. tumatanggi ako. at kahit pinauupo ako ni ronald mcdonald sa kanyang tabi, tinatanggihan ko rin. para fair kamo. pero miss ko na ang mga high cholesterol na mga pagkain nyo. pero nakikisama lang naman ako. pakikibaka sa nanay ko. sana maintindihan ninyo.

sa kabilang dako, balik sa tofu. kelangan kong maghanap ng sanlibo at isang daang paraan para lutuin ang tokwa.

2006-07-29T18:26:00.000+12:00

i was just reading this article about the n'sync guy who was gay. anyway, why is it that there's always one on almost any boy band? and why the cutest one at that? oh well...

what i found funny though was his boyfriend was reichen. yeah i remember talking to that guy. he signed up for hosting but it was canceled eventually. i couldn't recall why exactly but well from what i could remember he isn't even sure how his site was built. his old host uploaded it to our servers as a compressed file. we were on a three way call with this guy from india, who was quite difficult to understand. the guy was mumbling which pissed him off. i think some parts of his site weren't working well with our servers. ahh i see i think the site was using mysql which unfortunately we don't support at this time. and we were gonna ask if they can send the files to him as an msaccess file or something. i think they said they can but i'm not sure now... ahh.. i think his site was closed down by his old host for going overbandwidth hahaha. he probably has got a lot of hits. i wonder who's hosting his site now. or maybe he's changed domain names since i can't pull up the site now. anyways, he was pretty polite and nice to me but i think he was none too happy with his old host. i recall looking at some of his pages with his pictures on it and it was so sad that he was gay, really. the guy has a great body hahaha. well too bad... =_)

2006-07-16T18:45:00.000+12:00

my mom is here. she arrived with papa from naga today. i was shocked at how thin she is now. although i was expecting it since she's on a vegan diet since june. no meat (not even fish), and no dairy products. i was totally unprepared for it i want to cry. but i had to tell myself to hold it back. hold it back. of all the things i would hate to do is to break down in front of her.

i can see the swollen lymph nodes on her neck that had been eaten by cancer. because she's thinner now it sticks out like a sore thumb.

minsan natutulala na lang ako. like a car which ran out of gas.

everyone happily goes on their own way. but i feel like my world has just been bombed. i'm too shell shocked. i can't feel anything beyond this pain that i'm feeling right now. everything i do is mechanical. like eating food but you barely taste it. i'm going through the motions of life but i'm barely living. i am just existing - barely.

i try to escape by means of my work. when i go home i just want to drop dead. never wake up. but the sun is so cruel. it always rises on the same spot. i wanted to forget every tomorrow i ever woke up on since march. my world stopped turning during the last days of march. why won't the rest of the world cooperate? why is everyone so cruel.

how long do i have to go on like this. i'm not sure i can endure anymore. even bamboo breaks when bent beyond its limit. i want some respite. most of all i want an out. but this is real life. there is no out. never has been. never will be. this is my reality. to escape into fantasy is foolish. because i know i would have to wake up and face reality. if not now, maybe soon.

2006-07-12T18:21:00.000+12:00

Here is your horoscopefor Wednesday, July 12:

You often wonder why people are so hung up about relationships -- both getting into them and getting out of them. Many other people could learn from your happy-go-lucky attitude toward love right now.

That's from my daily astrology chenelyn for july 12. yes i do often wonder. but that's probably because i don't have any 'one' to be hung up about. if that's lucky or pathetic, don't even bother commenting. keep comments to thyselves ok. this is my ten cents on this subject.

i don't understand love. what love? what relationship? judas h priest... is it something i can get at u2 or guess. there's a sale in glorietta right now hmmm... does it ever go on sale? mid year sale. everything must go.

for some people love sucks, others... its heaven on earth. however for me, duh... uhhh... no idea... is it like eating ice cream on a hot day? hmm.. or maybe getting the answer to a stone puzzle that's been Bugging me for months ? i honestly don't understand what the hoolabaloo is all about. it's an illness that makes sane people go insane with no ahh... definite cure. so why love right? why subject yourself to such a curse?

ok so my friends out there will surely say to me "you are one unfeeling brick of a b*tch..." yeah i think i am. so don't you dare come to me sobbing if one prick brick of a guy break yer heart ya hear.

anyway, i'm been watching these mushy stuff on tv just to find out if love is one of those products of watching too much mushy movies and television. maybe it is. dream guys, prince charming, whatever you call them. if you're a girl, asked around. be sure the hunk you're hankering for is a definite hunk of a man who prefers women and not your gay friend, ok. better to be safe than sorry.

here's what i think. that first of all, love is a choice. you decide. come on people, so telenovelas and romance books tell you, you can't choose who you love. they often said it just happens - one day and BOOM you have the love flu. so you can't eat or sleep. think about this, maybe it's just indigestion.

love at first sight? come on, lust at first sight siguro. every sickness have symptoms. prevention is always better than cure. if you shouldn't, then don't fall. para walang problema. walang masasaktan. walang iiyak. get too close to the fire and you get burned. it's a choice, see. if the love/relationship you're going to go into is like a one way street, it's your choice if you're going to venture into that street. would you like to be stuck in a relationship where only one person gives their all while the other one gives only half or holds everything back. no fair right? or would you rather pick a street where traffic goes both ways? where you have enough space for a U-turn. just in case you change your mind.

better to have love and lost... that's right. it is. but deal with the consequences. if you're going to love, then love faithfully. if you're going to lose, at least lose gracefully. utang na loob. don't say "ika mamatay ko pagnawala sya." day, i will tell you ' sige na. palibing pa kita. ' remember like sand in your hand, the more you hold on tightly...

in this day and age, be practical. be logical even at times when you think all logic have gone out of the world. not all juliets end up with their romeos you know. yeah, yeah you're entitled to a romeo just like you're entitled to free speech and guilt-free shopping during mid year sales in greenbelt and glorietta. but i'm sure every one who belongs to the female specie (whether in human or alien form and even those who felt they were cheated when they were born into the opposite specie) feels they are entitled to one. pero pag hindi talaga pwede, huwag nang ipilit.

secondly, it's a work in progress. you want something good, you have to work for it. you want a beautiful lawn, you mown it from time to time. take out the weeds.

so if you're going to love, choose carefully. if you're already in love, continue working to stay in love. love and be loved. amor con amor se paga.

but if you're reading this and you're thinking of whether to stay or to let go... decide carefully. would you rather be alone? or unhappy? if it makes you feel better. sing it. yeah...

seriously, sa ganitong mga usapan. it all boils down to YOU. yes, YOU. what do you want? this is your life. you choose the noose you're going to hang yourself with. so go out there. it's a Big Ocean. go fish, love and live. don't ever settle for anything less.
=_)

2006-07-05T20:29:00.000+12:00

10 F A V O R I T E S
> TV show: mygirl, naruto :D
> Flower: roses, sunflowers, forget-me-nots
> Alcohol: cuervo tequila, daiquiri, margarita
> Color: blue, black, white
> Sport:basketball, volleyball
> Mall: glorietta, market market
> Music: rock, pop, acoustic
> Food: pizza, pasta, anything cooked by my mom and aunt des
> Season: christmas (it's the only time it ever gets cold where i am)

1 0 F A C T S
> Hometown: naga city
> Height:5'3" (daw=_)
> Hair color: black
> Hair length: 3-4 inches below the shoulders
> Shoe size: 5 - 5.5
> Mood: somber
> Sex: female

1 0 L O V E L I F E
> Have you ever been in love: no
> Do you believe in love? yes
> Why did your last relationship fail? what relationship????
> Have you ever been heartbroken? yeah
> Have you ever broken someone's heart? no idea. if i ever have i never heard about it
> Have you ever fallen for your best friend? no
> Are you planning on getting married? hmm... maybe
> Are you afraid of commitment? depends on the 'who'

1 0 T H I S O R T H A T S
> Love or lust? love f i can have it
> Hard liquor or beer? it depends
> Night or day? both
> Hook-ups or relationship? relationship
> T.V. or internet? more on the net =) frequently stay online more than infront of my tv
> Pepsi or coke? are you kidding - coke always!
> Wild night out or romantic night in? both but depends on the occasion
> Saturday or Sunday? saturday
>Colored or black and white picture? colored
> Phone or in person? person

1 0 H A V E Y O U E V E R S
> Have you ever been caught sneaking out? yes
> Have you ever skinny dipped? not yet
> Have you ever done something you regret? yeah, a lot...
> Have you ever bungee jumped? not yet, where can i do that here?
> Have you ever been on a house boat? not yet
> Have you ever finished an entire jaw breaker? yes and this jaw lived to tell its tale hahah!
> Have you ever wanted someone so badly it hurt? think so
> Have you ever stayed up all night til the suncame up? yes
> Have you ever been caught by your parents witha hickey? no
> Have you ever been caught by your parents doing more than making out? no

10 A R E Y O U S
> Are you missing someone right now? yes
> Are you in love with anyone? other than my narcissistic self, no one i'm aware of
> Are you happy? hardly, short on that one
> Are you talking to anyone right now? no
> Are you bored? to kingdom come
> Are you German?: hardly
> Are you Irish? not even a pinch
> Are you Italian? if eating pasta makes one an italian, i would be
>Are your parents still married? yes
> Do you like someone right now? not a one

Destiny Reading

2006-07-02T13:52:00.000+12:00

The SunSun in Aries:

The truth that each of us is essentially alone and that we must ultimately answer to ourselves regarding our choices in life is one that resonates deeply within you. Thus, your first loyalty is to yourself and to living your own life as authentically as possible. When you are most yourself, you are a risk taker, a trailblazer, forging your own path rather than following anyone else's lead. Whether or not you have the courage to do so, to boldly assert yourself and follow your own star - standing alone when necessary - is crucial to fulfilling your life purpose.

There are many ways, both positive and negative, you could choose to express this core sense of singleness and this need to be an original or a pioneer. You may, for instance, simply choose to remain single. Your independence, autonomy, and freedom are very important to you, and at heart you really do not want to be distracted from your purposes or encumbered by the responsibilities and complications that accompany close, ongoing partnership with others. You are by nature a solo. This does not necessarily mean that you will avoid intimate relationships or commitments, but there must be some arena in you life where you are the chief, where you take initiative and make the decisions. Being a sole proprietor of an upstart business enterprise, free lancing, supporting yourself with as little external input as possible - they are all possible expressions of your inner drive to live life on your own terms, by your own inner creativity and dictates. If you do not feel you are your own boss, you simply will not be happy. Your lifestyle and work must reflect your strong impulses to be self-reliant as well as to create something NEW, in order for you to be in harmony.

That is my sample destiny reading from astrology.com. Funny how most of the tests I took up always seem to include the word ALONE. Perhaps I must be destined for solitude.

2006-04-17T16:27:00.000+12:00

Happy Easter everyone!!!! It's been a couple of months since my last post. So much has happened. I am done with La Buena Vida (thank God). Great puzzle. I'm doing cycles. Have posted a plea for a nudge in the commons but no replies yet =( everyone seems to be asleep or on vacation or maybe they just don't care haha. Current stone status is 125/210... gloat...gloat...gloat... Ok so I have a long way to go but I like where I am now. of course, I'd like to advanced further, but hey it's not as easy as you might think. I lost a lot of hair during the process. Believe you me...

So much has happened. I haven't blogged for some time. I have been quietly contemplating on a LOT of things.

March 29. My mother was diagnosed with Stage III invasive ductal carcinoma. I don't have to translate that in layman's terms. I drifted for some time. I cried and begged God everynight (and I still do) to please wake me up and let this be a nightmare my family and I would wake up from SOON. I couldn't go home immediately because someone went on leave ahead of me. But I did manage a swap with kb and kikokix who mercifully agreed to swap with me. KB, I think went to work for more than 5 days straight as the result of our swaps. I'm not sure how kikikox fared but I went to work 9 days straight because of the swaps and today is my ninth day. I am running on adrenaline. And there's not one part of my body that doens't hurt. This is like gentle suicide. So I rest for tomorrow and then I go back to work again for the next two days. But, I have to do this. There is no other way. I had to go home.

I still don't understand how we ended up here. I don't understand why my mother didn't tell us that something is wrong. She kept it to herself for several months. My brother called me on the 24th. He was crying. My mother refused to go to a doctor and have it check. She won't even let him see if there is indeed a lump. The next day my father went to my aunt's and told them. Auntie Aida went to our house (she was about two hours away since she live with my grandmother lala Yin). And when I called my aunt later, she said it's as big as an apple. My mind went like...Holy shit that's big. And I was blank after that. I know I cried... A LOT. After all a tumor that big must hurt somehow.

There's a small laceration because my mom has been scratching it. It's itchy. As big as an apple. An image of that description would stay with me for the next several days until I reached Naga. I thought about nothing but that lump when I'm awake; and I would see it my dreams and worry about it some more for the next several days.

That Saturday, I spoke with my mom and she still refused to go see a doctor. I pleaded and insisted and pleaded and pleaded some more, and when she finally agreed; they went to the old Mother Seton. But the doctors are now gone since it was already Saturday afternoon and they only spend half the day in their clinics during Saturdays. So I spent that weekend in lala land. I'm not sure how or when I managed to land and come out of that daze. It was the definitely the worst weekend of my life. If waiting could kill, I'd be dead by now.

But I couldn't ask her (my mom) if it hurts because if it does... I don't know... I'm not sure what I'd do. If it hurts well...it's not a good news. I couldn't remember how I survived that weekend. Waiting for the doctor's confirmation is just waiting for the axe to fall. I think I barely talked with my mom during those two days because I'm afraid of breaking down over the phone. She was tense enough and angry enough with my brother for even calling us. She was telling me during the one time I was brave enough to speak with her that she doens't want us to worry. She will not be operated on. And to pray and not to worry. And I'm like 'come on.' I'm your daughter, of course I'd worry. It's not like I have two moms here that I could afford to lose one.

At worked I researched on everything about breast cancer. Every search engine result brought me down on my knees and I would cry harder. Good thing nobody was sitting next to me or they would think I have gone nuts. I ended up going to the bathroom so many times in those days because I would lock myself up and cry there so no one would hear me.

They consulted a Dr. on monday (March 27). My brother accompanied my mom. The tumor was 3-5cm. They went back the next day for a biopsy. On the 29th it was confirmed. I was already expecting this but I was hoping against hope that it's not as worst as I thought. It has spread onto her lymph nodes on her neck. If you feel the area around her neck, you would feel some lumps. Small ones, a few big ones.

My brother would later tell me when I went home (first week of April) that when he went to class later in the evening, he was a mess, tulala... He couldn't even understand what the lesson was all about. He couldn't focus on what was being said by his teacher or his seatmate. If somebody talks to him he would just nod his head or shrug his shoulders.

My sister and I went home on the night of April 2nd because joey was on leave during for that day so I couldn't go on leave. Everyday waiting is torture of the worst worst kind. I dread going home everynight when I would be all alone and I would cry myself to sleep. I remember calling my Aunt in Texas and I couldn't even utter a sentence coherent enough to tell her all that happened. Although I think I did manage to tell her they found a tumor on her breast. And I just broke down after that. All I remember was crying. My Aunt had to call me the next day after I have calmed down. It's not like we haven't dealt with something like this before. Her own mother had died of an ovarian cancer and my grandfather died of colon cancer. But Not another one, please.

I arrived in Naga on my birthday. I saw it and felt it. I read the biopsy report. It's invasive (bad news) and has metastasized on the nearest lymph node. My mom is optimistic she can fight it. She doens't want to go under the knife. My grandmother and aunts said the same thing. The cancer would metastasized faster when they seem to operate on it. Look at where my grandma's sister and granfather is now. We need a miracle. I DON'T want to lose her.

I am afraid that if she didn't undergo surgery it would spread and take her away from me; and if she undergo surgery it would spread faster just like what happened with others before her and she would be taken away from me anyway. I don't know what to do. I'm just waiting... waiting....

Am I angry at God? Maybe. I don't know. But I think I am too hurt and confused to be angry at God or anyone. I am too out of it to waste my energy on something as destructive a hating. I don't even want to feel. I want to be numb. I don't doubt that He is there. I know He is there. I don't understand why my mom. I don't understand at all. I'm too dazed. It hurts so much that I can't see. If this is my birthday gift can I return it? I don't want to be on denial. Yet, I cannot swallow this. If this is our cross, I am already reeling. But I have to be strong for everyone's sake, for my mom's especially. I LOVE her a lot.

This Holy Week is so far my darkest and my only solace is prayer. So what's the first step on getting a miracle? Believe. The first Easter Sunday is over. I still have 49 more Easter Sundays to go. I look forward to Pentecost. Somewhere in this darkness, God must be at the end of it.

2006-01-25T22:53:00.000+13:00

Stiill stuck with la buena vida. That puzzle is really getting to me. i've seen the image somewehere on a book. I just can't recall where in the world it is located.

puzzle id 1:5 - contact -> done and dusted

That was some puzzle. My goodness I had to DIG! 112/214

2006-01-03T14:39:00.000+13:00

went back to playing thestone yesterday. solved all 10 subtext IV puzzles =_)

alright, so i did not do it by my lonesome self. i had some help from maki and of course internet anagram solver (whoever created this site is a Genius!) normally it takes me days trying to decipher words out of subtext. i get so frustrated, i give up on it when i notice blood stains on my monitor. then i go back when i feel like being bushwhacked again.

i didn't even start working on the 99th puzzle (read subtext IV: article i), because i felt so frustrated after finishing the 98th puzzle (another subtext puzzle). so you see, i was just having too much of subtext that if i see another subtext i am going to explode, discombobulate or whatever. i mean come on its the new year, why can't i have a NEW puzzle right?

anyway good thing maki felt like banging his head on this desktop. so i'm finally done with subtext until the next level subtext which i hope to God i don't get yet. i am currently stuck on spotlights - 3 closes. got clevers on two other puzzles. oh my goodness, i'm getting headaches just thinking about it. so now i am currently 108/idontknow?216?
i'm gettig tired of spotlights and my stupid closes aren't getting me anywhere. i've read up everyhting about the waht and the where i could tell you when you can view more of it!!!! but that is NOT the answer to the friggin' question!!!!

whew, ok i've vent out. i feel lots better now. time to go home...

2006-01-01T20:58:00.000+13:00

I was born in the year of the Dog, but my element is water. 2006 is year of the red Dog (fire being the most dominant element). I don't know if water dogs are lucky this year. But anyway here's a general description of people born under the sign of the dog:

Among the animal zodiac, Dog individuals are the most humanitarian. To the Chinese, Dogs represent justice and equality. These are the givers in life, prepared to sacrifice their own dreams, ambitions and desires for the sake of others, particularly for those they love. Fiercely loyal to those they love, Dogs are ever ready to jump to the defense of any member of their family or friends who is being attacked by either word or deed. They have a penchant for championing the underdog. Born with an innate sense of decency and a need for equalibrium in a chaotic world, Dogs strongly denounce injustice and wrongdoing, generously giving useful and effective advice to those around them. Their warmth, empathy and genuine interest in others win them many close friendships. Dogs inspire confidence in others, and the confidence is justified. They will always do their utmost for others, and their dedication can go to the point of sacrifice. Dog people deserve to be held in the highest esteem. The Dog makes a faithful, honest and courageous friend, and has a deep sense of justice. These people tend to be both magnanimous and prosperous, yet they can also be dogged, guarded, and defensive. Because they genuinely feel they know best, they can sometimes appear bossy. They accomplish goals quickly, their successes the result of hard work and intelligence. But the Dog never really relaxes. Despite appearing calm and at rest, his heart and mind are always jumping. The Dog is an introvert who rarely shows his feelings; when he does it's only because he thinks it is absolutely necessary. He's stubborn in the extreme and knows what he wants. Frequently cynical, he is feared for his sharp tongue and his acid and disagreeable remarks. He gives the impression of looking systematically for faults in everything he touches. This is because he is the world's biggest pessimist and expects nothing out of life. He prefers to live an impeccable life, a life filled with principles and dignity, always willing to be a crusader for a noble ideology. With their forthright honesty and true moral integrity they soon become pillars of society, respected for their views and trusted by all who come to know them. Because they have the knack of gaining backing from important people, their careers are often brilliant. In general, they are better followers than leaders and perform outstandingly in team situations. The Dog makes a good soldier. He possesses excellent instincts and is willing to work hard to achieve success. Responsible and reliable, he inspires confidence in others by being trustworthy and keeping secrets when necessary. Dogs find it difficult to adapt to change, though, perhaps because they have a reputation for being innately pessimistic and expect the worst to happen. They have a tendency to become wistful and nostalgic about the past. Of all the animals in the Chinese Zodiac, Dogs are the least materialistic for they are unselfish individuals who care more about people than they do about money or success. It doesn't worry them to be without the material comforts. Even if they are in the money, their tastes are simple enough. But if by any chance they should suddenly and urgently need money, nobody is better equipped than them to get it! The loyal Dog makes a splendid captain of industry, an active trade union leader, a priest, or an educator. but whatever his career, it will have in him a spokesman whose ideas will be profound and often original. Nations would do well to follow such champions, for under no other sign do we find united in the same person such uprightness, rectitude and passion for work allied to so little personal ambition. The three phases of the life of the Dog are all marred by uncertainty: anxious childhood, difficult youth, middle-age defeatist before the work is to be done, and an old-age full of regrets for not having done enough. It is said that a Dog born in daytime will be calmer and less anxious than one born during the night. It is at night that the dog's job is to guard the house -- and thus he will be eternally on the lookout, always on the alert, barking all the time to scare away intruders and finding no time to rest. For people born at night under this sign, it's a dog's life!The Loving Dog Though Dogs have a reputation for not easily entrusting their affections, when they do, those friendships are for life. Romantically, Dogs gives the impression of being cold fish but this appearance is misleading; it's just that they're anxious and doubt their own feelings as they do those of others. In fact, personal relationships for the Dog are the most essential and important components of his life; money, power, success -- all the elements that might motivate members of other signs -- simply don't mean a thing to Dogs without first having a loving partner by their side and a stable family and home life. Some born under this influence may encounter difficulties in finding a life-long mate primarily because of the importance they attach to their relationships, but also because of anxiety related to mistrust of people they don't know. In love, the most salient characteristic of Dogs is their loyalty. The Dog is usually selective in the beginning stage of dating. Once these people have pledged their allegiance or sworn their marriage vows, they will stick to their partners through thick and thin. One born in the year of the Dog tends to marry early. The Dog can be happy with the Horse who will let him get on with his causes in exchange for a little independence. With the Tiger, life becomes a battle -- the two of them against the rest of the world. United, they will adventure together in the name of truth and justice. The Dog can find happiness with the good-hearted Boar. But it is with the placid and serene Rabbit that the Dog has the biggest chance of finding peace and quiet if he wants it. The Dog also likes the Snake, but he is in frequent conflict with the Dragon, who is too proud to accept the Dog's caustic comments and critical approach. As for the Ram, the Dog has no time for her whims, selfishness, or superficiality and they have little in common. November is the month of the Dog. The time of the Dog is from 7:00 p.m. to 8:59 p.m.; their direction of orientation is west-northwest. The Dog's color is light yellow.

2006-01-01T19:20:00.000+13:00

my first new year in our new place. i spent it with my sister jack and my hermano tj. i'd say my brother is the best =_). he cooked the spaghetti sauce and i cooked the noodle. i wasnt feeling too well because i had stomach cramps since the afternoon. i overcooked the spaghetti but my brother's sauce made it good enough to eat.

we called mom and dad who were both in naga. the lines were so busy i had to try 3 or 4 times before i got to speak with them. at 12 midnight, the lights went out for just a second. i could hear everyone go - Oooh. i was in the bathroom at that time.

i miss the new years spent with my entire family. it was nice having my brother there or it would've been only jack and i. i mis my mom and my stubborn father and everyone in our crazy family.

so we ate overcooked spaghetti. and i spent the new year lying down because of those stupid cramps. of all the days, it had to be on new year's eve. i didn't even get to eat that much because i don't think i will be able to hold the food down. my brother even made a hot water bottle for me to put on my cramping tummy, but it didn't work. so i finally decided i couldn't take the cramps anymore, so i took a pain killer. i hate taking pills but i could barely walk and standing up is a pain. worked after a few minutes. as soon as i was able to stand up, my siblings made me do the dishes.

bummer.

then i slept because there was nothing left to do except to think.

2005-12-28T14:00:00.000+13:00

the suspense is killing me. if i am going to be transferred, tell me now. i don't like being in limbo. personally, i'd rather resign but then i have to be practical. but i'm not sure if this place is worth it? two years is a long time to get stuck here. so maybe chage for me is inevitable. new yer. new life. joewhatneow is gone, well transferred - don't know where, so is giselle, jorel and isay and God knows who else. i'm not liking how things are turning out here. it's like deja vu of last year's fiasco. only i'm not watching it from the sidelines. i am one of them.

2005-12-25T18:01:00.000+13:00

Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad.

Norm Papernick

december 18, 2005

PS Christmas Party

2005-12-25T16:42:00.000+13:00

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas everyone!

2005-12-23T00:47:00.000+13:00

"How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? Of course would a woodchuck chuck wood if a woodchuck could chuck wood?"

i was at loss for words today. our supie delivered an a-bomb. we lost all our tongues (thank god our fingers were left intact). but the radiation fried my brain to mush, obliterated any possibility of lateral thinking. so "How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? Of course would a woodchuck chuck wood if a woodchuck could chuck wood?"

despair is the death of hope

2005-12-21T22:29:00.000+13:00

DESPAIR IS THE DEATH OF HOPE

what do you do when you're tired of going on?
going through the same sh*t everyday
tired of swimming against the current
why not just go with the current?
why not let yourself drown?
sink to the bottom
disappear
cease to exist
forget this existence
be forgotten
why go on?
why fight a losing war?
why not lose?
why win?
what's at the end of it for me?
is there an end?

what christmas party?

2005-12-20T20:14:00.000+13:00

wHAT CHRISTMAS PARTY?

the christmas party was a BORE!!! what a waste of time. whoever decided to hold it in rockwell's parking lot ought to be shot. i never got to eat properly because the Queue to the buffet table can wear out even someone who has the patience of a saint; and since i have ceased to be one, i decided not to risk it. couldn't help comparing it to last year's party at the shang. we had live bands then, this year it was like watching an audition for american idol - gone bad. i was with a group of people who were born to be rowdy. after lambasting the 'spectacle' going on stage they decided not to waste their gorgeous get up so we trooped to ratsky. got lost for maybe 40 or so minutes trying to locate the place. a band was playing, couldn't remember the name. i was seating next to one of those eardrum-busting speakers. my head and my heart bobbing and thumping with every beat. i'd like to say i couldn't care less about tomorrow. but i gotta go to work later that day so went home around 1am. shared cab with shinkinchi and psyche who was wearing killer heels.

why does it always rain on me?

2005-12-18T18:56:00.000+13:00

why does it always rain on me?

it always rains when i go home to naga. it was raining (again) when i left manila and it was also raining when i arrived in naga.

it was raining when i left naga. when i arrived here last night it wasnt raining, but then it rained about an hour after i arrived. just my luck!

another survey

2005-11-24T19:26:00.000+13:00

20 People You Can Think Of Right Off Your Head
1. jack
2. eva
3. tin
4 love
5. puds
6. minna
7. joewhatneoaw
8. pres
9. gwen
10. maki
11. dedeth
12. nina
13. blindside
14. edcarlos
15. mark
16. kikokix
17. allan
18. tj
19. valdz
20. nesty

> How did you meet ..13?
haven't actually 'met' him yet but he's my nudger. 'met' him through thestone. you need someone like him there to keep your sanity intact or else
> What do you honestly think of 10?
haha =_) cool at super galing mag tech ng mga script problems
> Have you ever liked 3?
of course, that's why we're good friends
> Would 2 and 11 make a good couple?
yikes, you gotta be kidding. they're both straight! (far as i know (right, eves?)
> Do you think 12 is hot?
i'm sure she's gonna say yes, so i'd just agree. i'm a very agreeable person
> Who is 8 going out with?
now that's a good question =_) pwede na bang sabihin pres?
> Is 9 a boy or a girl?
a girl
> When was the last time you talked to 5?
been a long long long time, haven't seen her either even if we work for the same company =_) but i just got an email from her today
> What is 1's favorite band?
she likes a lot of bands, hard to pick a favorite
> Does 2 have any siblings?
yeah - 2 in fact
> Would you ever date 6?
hehe mines, shall we? lol
> Would you ever date 7?
hahahaha not even if he's the last one on earth, di kami talo, mumurahin lang ako nun =_)
> what is 19s last name?
valdez
> What does 17 look like?
tall, dark and...(cough...cough...cough)=_) heya cuz!
> what is 10's fantasy?
no more escalations haha =_)
> Would 14 and 19 ever get together?
nyahh...no!
> What school does 16 go to?
up diliman
> What school does 1 go to?
she doesn't go to school anymore
> Where does 9 live?
rowdy house
> Would you make out with 13?
--- holy sh*t. hell no.
> Are 5 and 6 best friends?
nope, they haven't even met
> Is 20 older than you?
no
> Is 18 the sexiest person alive?
absolutely

2005-11-23T23:11:00.000+13:00

i am tired of thinking. i'm too lazy to post anything relevant on this blog. this blank page is glaring so ominously i just have to type something to erase that white smirk! i am posting this with hate. i am furious with this blankness that mirrors my blank mind, my continuous blank state of existence. i am just blank. furiously blank. so i will type and i will type until i reach the bottom of this page.

i have been to other blogs today. kikokix entry perked me up somehow. it started with 'to all the boylets i've loved before." very interesting read. and then i drifted down to josie's who writes beatifully about getting mixed signals from the other specie. some people are just great with words. then i ended up at cha's blog. man i wish i have my own grunge too.

my ink has run out and with these last words i bid you adieu.

cellphone: good vs. bad

2005-11-13T22:41:00.001+13:00

5 good things about Not having a cellphone

1. workforce never gets to spoil your rest days because you can't be reached
2. you don't have to spend anything on load
3. you never ran out of load ....err i meant cash
4. no pesky forwarded messages
5. well, obviously you get to have a new cellphone ( i have yet to see mine though)

5 bad things about not having a cellphone
1. can't call mom/dad for additional provisions (read: more dough)
2. it's hard to locate people and they can't locate you too
3. no alarm clock
4. you feel depressed, left out, wiped out the face of the planet
5. you would have to starve so you could save to buy a new one

retirement

2005-10-29T00:06:00.000+13:00

retirement

my cellphone has retired. passed away. died.

well it fell off the refrigerator while we were moving from the old place we used to rent to the new one. anyway, its out of comission. so i'm incommunicado - that is only if you use sms. emails stillworking. online everyday any g*dda@mn day!

now going offline. gotta catch some sleep.

but first i need to finish this chapter of naruto.

my angel vs. a daemon

2005-10-16T19:51:00.000+13:00

i noticed i have been having recurring dreams again. last night or maybe it was early morning when i had this dream, i dreamt i was in our old apartment. i was looking out the windows. i think it was dusk outside. anyway it was late in the afternoon. a man suddenly appeared in my line of vision - like he just materialized there with his back to me. i was inside the house and i could see him from the first floor window. i knew he was gonna turn to look at me and i felt instant terror at that and as he was turning to look at me i started praying the prayer to my guardian angel. at the same time i was calling his name over and over and over again. i saw his face. he looked like a man but his eyes had a scary look that really haunts me. totally creeped me out. i closed my eyes. i knew he was still looking at me. i was on the floor my two hands were covering my eyes so it was nothing but blackness for me. i knew that he was looking at me and i knew that my guardian angel was there with me because i don't feel the usual heaviness that i ususally feel when these things/dreams happen to me. like i couldn't move - a roar loud roar i could hear. and since the prayer to your guardian angel is pretty short, i was repeating it over and over and over and over and over again. while at the back of my mind i was repeating my guardian angel's name. i know they were fighting. how do i know? i had dreamt of a similar scenario before. i have forgotten all about it till i had this dream last night.

i was outside. buying something in this dream - fishball (believe it or not and to think i don't even eat it) in one of those roving bikes with sidecars. occured probably noon or afternoon because the sun was still out in this dream. when i reach the bike, a man passed by. more like a dark shadow at the edge of my vision because he passed by my side as i was about to turn my full attention to the man who sells the fishballs. and there's this heaviness on my chest like i couldn't move and i was so afraid he'd get close to me and claim me and i know i will be lost. he was just a few steps away and i know that if he reaches out he's gonna get me. i dreaded passing out. as always when these things happpen i pray my guardian angel prayer that i'd learned since i was five years old. then this guy who was also buying fishball. somehow 'deflected' this man who was trying to claim me as he was reaching out. i couldn't move so i couldn't see both of their faces - i don't think i wanna see the shadow man. everytime the shadow man tried to reach out this person beside me would shield me from him so he never got anywhere near me. then i would wake up. it's always a relief towake up. it means that the shadow was defeated.

in my recent dream, it was the first time i ever saw the shadow man's face. long black hair parted in the middle and intense eyes. i never wanted to sleep after the second dream. it seemed to me like he was just waiting for his chance when i am unawares and he'd get me. why do i see him now?

when i was back home, i used to have these episodes usually at the early stages of my sleep where i'd feel like something opened on the top of my head. or there's something sitting on top of my chest. i couldn't move. i feel like my head is open or more like my mind is exposed. there's a loud roar around me. like a huge chasm is being opened and boulders or huge things are moving. its the only sound i could hear.

at first everything is black (since lights are off)and the only light came from the lamp post beside our apartment. my eyes would get adjusted to the dark and i could see my sister's sleeping form beside me but i couldn't move. i could see my sister but i couldn't reach out to her. no words would come out of my mouth. mo matter how hard i try to scream. i don't dare tear my eyes away from her because i felt like if i do it would be nothing but blackness. sometimes these episodes last so long i nearly finished the 5 decades of the rosary. sometimes they end quite quickly about the time it takes for me to recite two Our Father's. then the roaring would stop and then i could move again. it doesnt always happen at night. it happened to me during the day as well. sometimes i thought i was able to get out of bed, because i felt like i had gotten up and even went to the kitchen and then i would 'find' myself still in bed. there was a time i felt like somebody was strangling me, i could breath and i saw somebody went up the stairs. i have never prayed so hard until then. when i woke up, i went out of the house and went to school earlier than usual. i didn't even check if somebody was indeed upstairs, because i knew i was the only one home.

5 more hours and i would have to sleep again. i have never been so scared of going to sleep. but one can only have so much coffee...

thoughts on marriage

2005-10-16T19:31:00.000+13:00

my cousin is getting married.

i'm like the eldest and he's getting married before me. ok so he has a reason to get married. he has a fiancee and i have a....hmmm....a dog?

ok so you can't marry dogs. i know that. but dogs can be more loyal than people (read: husbands). and some women have been married to 'dogs' (figuratively speaking).

it's gonna be on the 29th of this month. i'm so like not going. not because i'm bitter (really...) i have to work. and that place is like 10 hours away from here.

ok so that is a lame excuse. anyway, you know how weddings are here. it's a like a reunion. i don't like to be asked by the relatives of my relatives (like your own relatives havent' pestered you enough) why i haven't gotten myself hitched yet. heck i'm too young to get shackled. but between getting a husband and having a baby? i'd rather have a baby. can't teach an old dog new tricks, right?

dreams and recollections

2005-09-23T12:41:00.000+12:00

i need to find my voice. so i have to write. for the next few days, i will write about the people i know, my acquaintances, my friends, classmates in highschool, college and beyond.

well, i had a dream last night. i dream a lot these days. i'm sure i had other dreams last night. but since this dream occurred as i was about to wake, it's the only one i can recall.

i was back in highschool - history class with madam cora. world history all over again. she wasn't a conventional teacher. but she's ok - heck i passed (great achievement at that time). not much lecture. the pupils lecture. everyday, someone volunteers or she picks out a student who will 'report' about what he/she knows about this subject to the entire class. you get to choose your death...i mean topic. she brings strips of cartolina with topics on them. usually it would just say - world war II, renaissance, enlightenment or battle of this and battle of that. huge subject to cover and sometimes too little to say. two causes: nervousness/panic or simply unprepared. either way, both are BAD for your grades. she also brings with her bond papers with pictures of all those medieval people. you have to say something about that person - birth, failures, accomplishments, etc. anything you know. your grade depends on it. so if you haven't met them in any of your readings, better start a devotion to st. jude the impossible.

because of her style, i think i nearly memorize zaide's book and another book on world history which was as thick as leithold's calculus 7 (no sh*t). it was information overload. no wonder i did poorly in math. my brain had no more space for numbers.

good thing i like reading, but sometimes reading about dead people is B-O-R-I-N-G. but there are times when boredom is preferable than failure.

so this dream made me recall my classmates in highschool. i decided to write about them. everyday i choose a classmate and write everything i can recall about that classmate. if it's a short recollection, forgive me. memory issues, nothing personal.

so let me start with...hmm i guess...me.

on complaining

2005-09-15T21:02:00.000+12:00

reading the newspaper i bought on september 4th. this particular article by Fr. Bel San Luis, SVD caught my eye:

"An experience that changed him"

"Here's a story of man who told his friend that despite taking two jobs and bringing home barely above $1000 per month, he is happy as he is.

The friend mused, " I wonder how he can be as happy as he is considering he has to skimp his life with the low pay to support a pair of old parents, in-laws, a wife and two daughters, and the many bills of a household.

The man explained that it was one incident that he saw in India...that happened a few years ago when he was really feeling low and touring India after a major setback. He said that right in front of his very eyes, he saw an Indian mother chop off her child's right hand with a chopper.

The helplessness in the mother's eyes, the scream of pain from the innocent four year old child haunted him until today. You may ask why did that mother do so; had the child been naughty, had the child's hand been infected?

No, it was for two simple words - TO BEG! The desperate mother deliberately caused the child to be handicapped so that the child could go out to the streets to beg.

Taken aback by the scene, he dropped a piece of bread he was eating half-way. And almost instantly, a flock of five or six childrem swamped towards this small piece of bread which was covered with sand, robbing bits from one another. The natural reaction from hunger.

Stricken by what happened, he instructed his guide to drive him to the nearest bakery. He arrived at two bakeries and bought every single loaf of bread he found in them. The owner was dumbfounded but willingly sold everything. He spent less than $100 to obtain about 400 loaves of bread (this is less than $0.25 per loaf) and spent another $100 to get daily necessities.

Off he went in the truck full of bread into the streets. As he distributed the bread and necessities to the children (mostly handicapped) and a few adults, he received cheers and bows from these unfortunate. For the first time in his life he wondered how people can give up their dignity for a loaf of bread which cost less than $0.25.

He began to tell himself how fortunate he is. How fortunate he is to be able to have a complete body, have a job, have a family, have the chance to complain what is nice and what isn't nice, have the chance to be clothed, have the many things that these people in front of him are deprived of..."

this story gave me a pause. i'm still lucky. so the next time you complain, the next time you think your life sucks, well think again... you have something those children may never be able to complain about.

fainting spells

2005-09-11T15:51:00.000+12:00

heard mass yesterday at the greenbelt chapel. first time i have in such a long while. i nearly fainted.

the priest had just finished reading the gospel and he was telling the laity to take their seats as he was about to give his sermon. you might say some timing, well, it is not tht i don't want to listen to him. i was even thinking how appropriate the gospel was since it was about forgiveness. Jesus was just telling Peter that he needs to forgive seventy times seven (something like that). this was the first time i've heard mass in a long time and i was like talk about coincidences the gospel for this sunday was like God telling me "hey you there, this is for you." so anyway as the priest was telling everybody to seat down i yawned, then seconds later i was seeing black dots in front of me and well i couldn't hear anymore. i was thinking okay this is bad. i was tellin gmyself i jsut need to close my eyes for a few minutes, look down and breathe and breathe and it will go away. but it didn't when i closed my eyes i pitched forward. next thing i knew somebody was leading me to seat (the chapel was full so i was standing at the back). i was seting and somebody was making me smell this minty thing that's not vicks and i jsut declined whiteflower. i was sweating, cold sweat and well very very embarassed. after the mass ended i called my sister from my cellphone and told her to pick me up.

remembering petr ginz - my brother's diary

2005-09-09T21:36:00.000+12:00

remembering petr ginz - my brother's diary

was reading newsweek. an article there about this young man petr ginz. sad story. lived during the holocaust. died in the gas chambers of auschwitz. he was only 16. can't stop the tears from my eyes.

i have never read the entire diary of anne frank - just parts of it (my bad). but reading about petr ginz made me wish i got hold of the whole thing. anne's diary would be easier to find but his book i'm just not sure. looks like i'm gonna be scouring the bookstores and bargain stores on my next payday.

but i'm such a cry baby i'd probably wet all the pages while i'm reading it. just reading the excerpts that i could find already had me already dabbing my eyes with my kerchief. that's why i stay away from nicolas sparks =_) hehe just too depressing, carry the baggage with me for days thinking of the whys and could-have-beens.

don't know where i could find it here though. anyways i'll see if i could find it online. he had such a nice warm smile. just look at the photo with his sister chava. makes you wonder what happened to it when he was sent to the concentration camp in terezin. you'd hope so bad that the Germans didn't break him despite of how everything ended... but hearing about the holocaust stories would dampen even that small hope. he painted, he wrote a lot. his sister had some of his stuff. museums had some too. so sad. makes you wonder how a human being could inflict so much pain on another human being. and why the rest of the world didn't do anything about it...until it was too late...

God i hope we never have to see another holocaust or another war - how i wish. but at the rate things are going with the world right now, makes you doubt. a different sort of war and a different kind of "holocaust." same evil different names for different times...

sigh......

2005-09-05T14:26:00.000+12:00

if pain must come
may it come quickly
because i have a life to live
and i need to live it
in the best way possible.

if he has to make a choice
may he make it now.
then i will either
wait for him or forget him.

waiting is painful.
forgetting is painful.
but not knowing which to do
is the worst kind of suffering

by the river piedra i sat down and wept
paolo coelho
-----------------------------------

i just love this

repost from gwen who's "-" in a rosy mood =_)

OneStone - funny story

2005-09-04T13:53:00.000+12:00

OneStone - funny story

I can't help it. I have to post this one, found it on my bulletin board in fhreinshter =_) This one cracked me up. JUst something to smile about. This is on the green side so if you're a prude....please skip it. if you're not, by all means, read on folks:

There once was a Red Indian whose given name was "Onestone". So named because he had only one testicle. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone." Hejumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into theforest where he made love to her all daya nd all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion. The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many years. Yellow Bird,who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you,Onestone." Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die! What is the moral of this story?..

OH, come on ..... take a guess! Think about it..... use those gray cell for another useless thing haha
And the moral is

You can't kill two birds with one stone!hahahaha .........;p

getting to know me

2005-09-03T20:34:00.000+12:00

Name: Vanny/Vani
Birth date: April 3
Birthplace: Naga
Current Location: Makati
Eye Color: sable =_)
Hair Color: Jet black
Height: 5'2"
righty or Lefty: righty
Zodiac Sign: Aries

TWO: On The Inside
Your heritage: Filipino and Chinese
Shoes you wore today: sandals
weakness: chocolates
Your fears: roaches, snakes, wriggling things, anything with 6-8 legs
Your perfect meal: pasta
Goal you'd like to achieve: Ph.D.

THREE: Past , Present , Future
Your most overused phrase on AIM: crap
Your thoughts first waking up: sh*t what time is it?
Your best physical feature: is there?
Your bedtime: around 11pm
Yor most missed memory: highschool and college

FOUR: Your Pick
Pepsi or Coke: Coke
McDonald's or Burger King: McDonalds
Single or group dates: Single
Adidas or Nike: Nike
Chocolate or vanilla: chocolate
cappuccino or coffee: cappuccino

FIVE: Do You?
Smoke: no reason to
Cuss: unfortunately yes
Sing: when no one's around and everyday in the bathroom
Take a shower everyday: of chourse
Have a crush: sure
Think you've been in love: think only
Like(d) high school: hell yeah
Want to get married: perhaps ;p
Get motion sickness: rare but sucks when i do
Think you're a health freak: nope, i eat anything as long as it doesnt look and smell disgusting
Get along with your parents: yes
Like thunderstorms: yeah =_)
Play an instrument: if the radio/cd player counts

SIX: In the past few months have you...
Drank alcohol: yep
Smoked: no
Done a drug: does coffee count?
Made Out: with my pillow? well in my dreams i think i have
Gone to the mall: always ;p
Eaten sushi: yeah
Been on stage: yeah
Been dumped: no
Gone skating: ice skating? no but if roller blades count - it's an experience i don't care to repeat or remember
Gone skinny dipping: if the bathtub counts
Dyed your hair: no
Stolen anything: yeah...ketsup packets during lunch time =_)

SEVEN: Ever...
Played a game that required the removal of clothing: yeah
Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: geesh come to think of it i can't remember (probably a good thing for this sort of question)
Been caught "doing something": depends on what that "something" is
Been called a tease: hmmm yeba
Got beaten up: no i don't think so but i did beat someone up

EIGHT: Getting Older
Age you hope to be married: i dunno... 35? =) ditto aleck
Numbers and Names of Children: 2, haven't though of it yet.
How do you want to die: by Hypothermia -> leave it to aleck to find an interesting way of dying though chances of dying by hypthermia in the tropics - nil =_) heat exhastion a lot likely
What do you want to be when you grow up: and i though i'm grown up already.....
What country would you most like to visit: new zealand and rome, italy

NINE: In a guy..
Best eye color?: black
Best hair color?: black
Short or long hair: as long as he looks clean
Best first date location: anywhere cool and quiet...hmmm

TEN: In The Numbers...
Number of people I could trust with my life: less than 10
Number of CDs that I own: do i own any?
Number of piercings: 2
Number of tattoos: nada
Number of times my name has appeared in the Newspaper: none, just school paper/yearbook =)
Number of things in my past that I regret: i'm sure there's something i just can't think of how many

less is more

2005-09-01T19:39:00.000+12:00

i should write more and talk less. but this job requires me to talk more so i write less and i also sleep less. but then i eat more and exercise less. i pray more but go to church less =_). i read more but still i know less. i work more but still i'm paid less.

make my day

2005-08-29T20:41:00.000+12:00

What A Day!!! growls...screams....curses...

it started pleasantly enough - i wasn't late so that was something to be happy about. and when i checked my email there were some comments from anonymous people who have actually gone through some of my posts - now that's unbelievable=_) but seriously, thanks everyone. i didn't think anybody reads this other than moi and gwen because she's always posting comments whenever she can. haven't seen her for some time now. miss u friend.

anyways, as i was reading through those comments a call came in around 11:41 pm central time. and that started the downhill slide from pleasant to frustrating. don't get me wrong the client i was speaking with was actually very very nice despite the issue she was having. truth be told i wouldn't be as calm as her or as perky as her especially at that time of the night. i would be stark raving lunaTic mad.

her problem? she can NOT, for the love of mac (she's using a MAC OS 10.3 - just thought i'd put it here for emphasis) send out from her domain email address (read: email address that's attach to her website e.g. myname@myswebsite.com). but she can send out from her regular email address (read: the email that's attach to her internet connection account) which ironically uses the same smtp server (read: the server that handles/processes sending emails). and the subject of our frustration is an error message that i have encountered once before (only difference was that time the person i was speaking with was on a windows os using outlook express 6.0 and not mac mail). it says that her message cannot be sent because according to the error message it does not conform to the rfc 2822 protocol. (sorry this is not verbatim since i didn't jot down the entire message since my hands froze from typing as soon as i heard the rfc 2822 and the images of the other call about this same problem was already flashing in front of me and i was silently mouthing oh no oh no god why me =_).

so i consulted bestfriend google (since raven doesn't know sh*t about this - no offense raven) and it listed a number of sites discussing it but i couldn't find anything solid about getting rid of this error. really they just tell you - that it's about the headers and shows you a format of it. it was helpful But.. sobs... it just didnt give the fix or maybe i just wasnt searching very thoroughly. all i got were more documents about internet email protocols and other rfc numbers or protocols. too boring to put here.

i have checked her mail configuration settings (over and over and over and over agian - just cannot emphasize it enough) and they are all correct. the smtp server settings even matches the configuration on the one that is working - so logically , it should work right? computers were supposed to have been built on logic and works using logic. so logically that other email account should also be able to send using the same smtp server settings. but it didn't. judas h priest i could not for the life of me figure out why it just wouldn't do as the other one is doing. well i heard there's another fallacy about generalization that i may have violated with my lateral thinking. but seriously, come on, it should work. those settings should work!

but anyway, what increased our level of frustration and perplexity was we configured another domain email address with those same smtp settings and we were able to send out. what more i used my outlook express and used the same settings and it worked on outlook express. i wasn't too happy with mac at this point. it's mocking me. taunting me. if i was there i'd bash it with a baseball bat, really. i thought it was simply asking for it. but i just told her let's reboot.

anyway from the sounds of it that mailbox must be corrupted. but in mac mail, it seems that deleting an email account also means deleting any messages you've downloaded before. so my client just said goodbye to them all and we started to reconfigure them again. and it still says she can't send out because the message doesn't conform to the right internet protocol and the headers are just not right or something. d*mn headers AGAIN!! we have just wiped out her entire mailbox for nothing. we have rebooted so many times that i can remember that i think if we have to reboot i'll start painting my nails. my goodness...sigh...

well desperate times calls for desperate, crazy, it-may-just-work measures like: so why not edit the domain email address that works. we won't be changing anything except for the username and email address. so i told her to delete the email account again and to edit the domain account that's working and change the email address from email A to email B (the one that we've been manipulating and cursing for approximately 171.08 minutes now to work. and guess what???

it worked. i don't know why but it did. she was as surprised as i am. and after 3 hours of being on the phone i'm sure her arms have all gone numb from holding it. anyway we parted on good terms so it's not that bad... but aht is another issue. i can jsut see my supervisor's face when he comes in tomorrow. but i won't be here so...hahaha...

the problematic call that Made my day - read: stink to the high heavens that is - is this man who thinks that someone has hacked into his site because his links are gone and he said he can't find the bloody menu bar. sheesh i told him that if somebody hacks into his site a lot of people will be calling us now complaining of the same thing. eu says it's changing as we speak. told eu to run a spyware check for his pc and to change his password ASAP. he even thinks someone here is doing it, there are just four of us here and i'm the only one looking at his site so i told him it's not any of us and besides that wouldn't be too professional( would be nutty) of us if we destroy our own websites right? it would only mean more work and another good time wasted doing overtime other than partying and doing videoke. and then he said well my menu bar its gone. i told him "sir you menu bar is just hidden." and he went like "it's not supposed to be hidden." i told him "sir the java script that you used says it's supposed to be hidden unless you mouse over it." click... then...dead air...

so.... hello darkness my old friend.

sixth sense

2005-08-28T19:44:00.000+12:00

solved 3 puzzles today so new status is 91/209. long way to go. 7 more before the lodge but then that's a long 7 - i have gates and bunches to prolong my agony.

dreaming of dead people again last friday or was it thursday. couldn't remember exactly which day it was. i have dreamt of that place before. same people with me. uncle ado was driving (our) jeep. jack and rick and andrie and some other cousins were with us. we were again walking up the same slopy area that i saw in my past dreams before. on my past dreams it was rocky and there were pools of water (yeah and the kind where you could swim in it). much like buyo was after it was hit by typhoon rosing. but on this dream there were workers working to pave the area. they were cementing it. so imagine my surprise. i was walking up the sloping steps holding andrie's hand. we got to the top where my grandma's house is. and my grandma was there - no surprise that's her house but so is my grandfather but then he's supposed to be dead (been years actually). the only relief is that he wasn't mad at me or at anyone. the last dream that i had was my grandma's sister looked very unhappy or sort of mad at me and that really upset me so much because she wasn't like that in real life - when she was alive i mean. i woke up crying from that dream...

anyways back to this dream, my grandma was ...well not furious mad but was just scolding grandpa saying "pirmi na lang si ayen (she's the second eldest of the cousins i have on my mother's side - moi being the eldest) ngonian si nap naman." from what i understand grandpa had been "appearing" to ayen and now she wants him "to appear" to nap. but then this is a dream so it could also mean it's always been ayen and now you're appearing to nap? well i've racked my brains over and over to see what it could mean and have so far come up with nothing. if anything - nap is going to be married so maybe this dream is for nap.

one thing i noticed in this dream again is the refrigerator - it appeared on the past dream that i have of this place (back where the roads were not yet paved - still rocky and where there were pools of water on the way.) i opened the refrigerator and it's full of food just like it always is during fiesta and like in the past dream i was also looking for milk? crazy huh? and as always there's milk - i think this time i found carnation evap (no bull, i swear that's what it was). i was reaching for the milk which was on the topmost shelf and at the same time listening to grandma having that conversation with my dead grandfather. and when they mentioned my cousins' names their images would appear on my "mind." so it felt like they were also there in the dream with me, just not in the line of my vision then but in the same place on that house at the top of the hill.

the other people who were in that same room with me is jack and i think andrie was there too. i think florence was even there but maybe i just felt her there (know what i mean?) and grandpa was just you know not outwardly smiling - more like a Mona Lisa smile - secretive not too obvious that sort of smile.. i forgot what happened but i do know that he did not reply. dead people never talk or reply to any questions asked in my dreams. i woke up still dark and went back to sleep again. i'm all alone since jack is doing the graveyard shift.

so i slept again after the first dream and then i had another dream...

this time it was my lala dad (grandma's sister - she passed away due to cancer - sad thing everyone was devastated because it was totally unexpected - it happened so fast). anyways, she was showing me pictures. old black and white pictures of her 'family.' but what was confusing about this was she's showing me 'photos' while they lived in china which they never did. now That was very confusing. they didn't live outside of the country - my aunt and uncles were raised here, so see? and the other thing was i don't think i was able to recognize anyone of those people in the pictures save for me. (very narcissistc huh?) but then i don't have any black and white photos. i shouldn't be in any of her old black and white photos looking all grown up! after all colored pictures were already invented when i was born. but there i was with some other kids and adults i don't recognize. i looked like i was in my 4th or 5th grade. could this dream be a reminder that i never did grow up?

but at least she wasn't mad at me on this dream or unhappy... she was just very Insistent that i take a look at them. and the weird thing was people were moving in those pictures just like they do in the harry potter series (this part i can allude to just having finished the 6th book a few weeks ago). so it was like watching an old black and white movie. never to disobey my elders, i of course took a look at them photos.

i remember looking for other familiar faces like lala din ( i would surely recognize her if i see her - what with her mole and everything? who else would have that mole?) but i couldn't find her in the pictures. i mean this is supposed to be an old picture and if this is old lala din would usually be there since she was always with lala dad. but she's not anywhere on those photos. the photo where i appeared was made outside what looked like a place where people would go to and the impression that i got was a church or something like a municipal building. there was another person i recognized, a young girl who lived on the house they own in buyo (i think, but i just know she's from buyo) and the rest i couldn't remember or recognize.

i woke up and it was morning already.

85/208

2005-08-14T20:23:00.000+12:00

back stoning again 85/208. makes me wonder if i'll ever hit the 98 mark (what with bunches and gates... sigh... near impossible...)

but maybe it can be done. just maybe

misses

2005-08-05T20:20:00.000+12:00

missed my trip to naga on august first, fatal combination - rain and heavy traffic.

i arrived at the bus station at past 9pm and my bus left at 8:30pm. so there... had to eave the next day 8:30am.

arrived at past 4pm in naga. so much has changed.

dad's ok. he's on the thin side. doc told him to go on diet. so there again...

unhappy when it rains...

2005-08-01T18:46:00.000+12:00

and God why does it always rain everytime i go home to naga?
it stormed in december, rained monday before last, now it's raining again...hard...

philosophies in life

2005-07-29T20:40:00.000+12:00

---oooOOOooo---
If your father is a poor man,
it is your fate but,
if your father-in-law is a poor man,
it's your stupidity.

---oooOOOooo---
I was born intelligent
education ruined me.

---oooOOOooo---
A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station.... -

--oooOOOooo---
Practice makes perfect.....
But nobody's perfect......
so why practice?

---oooOOOooo---
If it's true that we are here to help others, then,
what exactly are the others here for?

---oooOOOooo---
Since light travels faster than sound,
people appear bright until you hear them speak.

---oooOOOooo---
Money is not everything.
There's Mastercard & Visa.

---oooOOOooo---
One should love animals.
They are so tasty.

---oooOOOooo---
Save water.
Shower with your girlfriend.

---oooOOOooo---
Love thy neighbor.
But don't get caught.

---oooOOOooo---
Behind every successful man,
there is a woman.
And behind every unsuccessful man,
there are two.

---oooOOOooo---
Every man should marry.
After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.

---oooOOOooo---
The wise never marry,
and when they marry they become otherwise.

---oooOOOooo---
Success is a relative term.
It brings so many relatives.

---oooOOOooo---
Never put off the work till tomorrow
when you can put off today.

---oooOOOooo---
Love is photogenic
It needs darkness to develop

---oooOOOooo---
Children in backseats cause accidents
Accidents in backseats cause children

---oooOOOooo---
"Your future depends on your dreams"
So go to sleep

---oooOOOooo---
There should be a better way to start a day
than waking up every morning

---oooOOOooo---
"Hard work never kills anybody"
But why take the risk !

---oooOOOooo---
"Work fascinates me"
I can look at it for hours !

---oooOOOooo---
When two's company,
three's the result !

---oooOOOooo---
A dress is like a barbed fence
It protects the premises without restricting the view

---oooOOOooo---
The more you learn, the more you know,
The more you know, the more you forget
The more you forget, the less you know
So.. why learn

***
thank to mommy nicole for posting this. sure needed the laugh =)

for those who are seeing through rose colored glasses

2005-07-29T17:03:00.000+12:00

got this "spam," if you're in love or wants to be - read on:

Lesson About Love
It's hard for two people to love each other when they live in two different worlds... but when these two world collide and become one. That's what you call...MAGIC! If you're AFRAID to love a person because of friendship, you have 2 choices, either tell what you feel and let the love take place of forever or hide the feeling under a friendship full of PRETENSIONS.

Sometimes I asked myself, what would make me HAPPY? To think that I have everything else, I get what I want.... Then I REALIZED IT WAS YOU, too bad coz' it's YOU I can't have....... Love can never be so beautiful without FRIENDSHIP….... one leads to another and the process is IRREVERSIBLE...... the BEST of lovers is the GREATEST of friends!!! Love DOESN'T have to have a HAPPY ending, 'Coz love doesn't have to end at all.

When you love someone, DON'T expect that person to love you back the same amount. One of you will be ahead, the other behind. It's either you catch up or the other waits. Never be AFRAID to fall in love. It may HURT a lot, it may give you aches and pains, but if you DON'T follow your heart, in end you will cry even more for not giving love a chance.

I'm sorry if you can't love me the way you loved the one before me, so I'll let you go to find him/her and hope someday you'll see that the TRUE LOVE you're looking for was the one who set you FREE. Isn't it funny?? We're trying to catch the attention of the one we think we love. We hardly NOTICE them till they are in the arms of someone else....

Love is like standing on wet cement, the LONGER you stay, the HARDER it is to leave and you can never go without leaving your prints behind.... THINK OF THIS: have you really cared for someone more than you expected? Have you ever tried to love him/her despite of all the pain? Will you keep on loving he/she whispers someone else's name? Will you??? True love hears what is not spoken, and understands what is not explained, for love doesn't work in the mouth, nor the mind, but in the heart......

When you love, you must NOT accept anything in return, for if you do, you're not loving but INVESTING. If you love, you must PREPARE to accept pain. For if you expect HAPPINESS, you are not loving but USING..... I like you because you're my friend and because you are my friend and I care, and because I CARE, I LOVE you, I don't love you because you are my FRIEND.... I Love you because I do!!!!

FOOD FOR THE THOUGHT: it's better to lose your pride with someone you love rather than lose someone you love with your useless pride. I can't choose who I'm gonna love, but I also can't just love who chooses to love me.... and you can't blame me in choosing to love you as much as I can't BLAME you for not learning to love me. "

How can I say GOODBYE to someone I never had??? Why do TEARS fall for someone who was never mine? Why is that I MISS someone i was never with and I ask why I love someone who's LOVE was never MINE? "Don't love a person like FLOWER, cause a flower dies in SEASON. Love them like a RIVER cause river flows FOREVER......

Love may leave your heart like SHATTERED GLASS, but keep in mind that there's someone who'll be WILLING to endure the pain of picking up pieces so you could be WHOLE again....

somehow, it reminds me of jigsaw puzzles .... it requires time, endurance and patience to fixed a whole picture...I know it’s tough...my friend told me that!!!)The MoSt CrUeL ThInG a GUY could do to a GIRL is to let her FALL in LOVE when he DOESN'T InTeNd to catch her FALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
ThE BeSt & MoSt BeAuTiFul ThInGsIn ThE WoRlD CaNnOt Be SeEn Or ToUcHeD ThEy MuSt Be FeLt WiTh ThE HeArT
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

pick your month

2005-07-28T15:30:00.000+12:00

JANUARY: Stubborn and hard-hearted. Ambitious and serious. Loves to teach and be taught. Always looking at people's flaws and weaknesses. Likes to criticize. Hardworking andproductive. Smart, neat and organized. Sensitive and has deep thoughts.Knows how to make others happy. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Ratherreserved. Highly attentive. Resistant to illnesses but prone to colds. Romantic but has difficulties expressing love. Loves children. Loyal. Has great social abilities yet easily jealous. Very Stubborn and money cautious.

FEBRUARY: Abstract thoughts. Loves reality and abstract. Intelligent and clever. Changing personality. Attractive. Sexy. Temperamental. Quiet, shy and humble. Honest and loyal. Determined to reach goals. Loves freedom. Rebellious when restricted. Loves aggressiveness. Too sensitive and easily hurt. Gets angry really easily but does not show it. Dislike unnecessary things. Loves making friends but rarely shows it. Daring and stubborn. Ambitious. Realizing dreams and hopes. Sharp. Loves entertainment and leisure. Romantic on the inside not outside. Superstitious and ludicrous. Spendthrift. Tries to learn to show emotions.

MARCH: Attractive personality. Sexy. Affectionate. Shy and reserved. Sensitive. Naturally honest, generous and sympathetic. Loves peace and serenity. Aggressive when provoked. Sensitive to others. Loves to help others. Not easily angered. Trustworthy. Defends others. Appreciative and returns kindness. Observant and assesses others. Varied interests. Loves to dream and fantasize. Loves traveling. Loves attention. Strong belief system. Hasty in trusting others. Loves home decors. Musically talented. Depends on friends. Loves special things. Moody and easily hurt. A giving lover. Very loyal. Deep Thinker. Feels deeply. A romantic. Loves to be loved. Thrifty. Loves down time alone.

APRIL: Active and dynamic. Decisive and haste but tends to regret. Attractive and affectionate to oneself. Strong mentality. Loves attention. Diplomatic. Consoling, friendly and solves people's problems. Brave and fearless. Adventurous. Loving and caring. Suave and generous. Emotional.Aggressive. Hasty. Good memory. Moving Motivates oneself and others. Sickness usually of the head and chest. Sexy in a way that only their lover can see.

MAY: Stubborn and hard-hearted. Strong-willed and highly motivated. Sharpthoughts. Easily angered. Attracts others and loves attention. Deepfeelings. Beautiful physically and mentally. Firm Stand point. Needs no motivation. Easily consoled. Systematic (left brain). Loves to dream. Strong clairvoyance. Understanding. Sickness usually in the ear and neck. Good imagination. Good physical. Weak breathing. Loves literature and the arts. Loves traveling. Dislike being at home. Restless. Not having many children. Hardworking. High spirited. Spendthrift.

JUNE: Thinks far with vision. Easily influenced by kindness. Polite and soft-spoken. Having lots of ideas. Sensitive. Active mind. Hesitating, tends to delay. Choosy and always wants the best. Temperamental. Funny and humorous. Loves to joke. Good debating skills. Talkative. Daydreamer. Friendly. Knows how to make friends. Abiding. Able to show character. Easilyhurt. Prone to getting colds. Loves to dress up. Easily bored. Fussy. Seldomshows emotions. Takes time to recover when hurt. Brand conscious. Executive. Stubborn.

JULY: Fun to be with. Secretive. Difficult to fathom and to be understood. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Takes pride in oneself. Has reputation. Easily consoled. Honest. Concerned about people's feelings. Tactful.Friendly. Approachable. Emotional temperamental and unpredictable. Moody and easily hurt. Witty and sparkly. Not revengeful. Forgiving but never forgets. Dislikes nonsensical and unnecessary things. Guides others physically and mentally. Sensitive and forms impressions carefully. Caring and loving.Treats others equally. Strong sense of sympathy. Wary and sharp. Judges people through observations. Hardworking. No difficulties in studying. Loves to be alone. Always broods about the past and the old friends. Likes to be quiet. Homely person. Waits for friends. Never looks for friends. Not aggressive unless provoked. Loves to be loved. Easily hurt but takes long to recover.

AUGUST: Loves to joke. Attractive. Suave and caring. Brave and fearless. Firm and has leadership qualities. Knows how to console others. Too generous and egoistic. Takes high pride of oneself. Thirsty for praises. Extraordinary spirit. Easily angered. Angry when provoked. Easily jealous. Observant. Careful and cautious. Thinks quickly. Independent thoughts. Loves to lead and to be led. Loves to dream. Talented in the arts, music and defense. Sensitive but not petty. Poor resistance against illnesses. Learnsto relax. Hasty and trusty. Romantic. Loving and caring. Loves to make friends.

SEPTEMBER: Suave and compromising. Careful, cautious and organized. Likes to point out people's mistakes. Likes to criticize. Stubborn. Quiet but able to talk well. Calm and cool. Kind and sympathetic. Concerned and detailed. Loyal but not always honest. Does work well. Very confident. Sensitive. Thinking generous. Good memory. Clever and knowledgeable. Loves to look for information. Must control oneself when criticizing. Able to motivate oneself. Understanding. Fun to be around. Secretive. Loves sports, leisure and traveling. Hardly shows emotions. Tends to bottle up feelings. Very choosy, especially in relationships. Systematic.

OCTOBER: Loves to chat. Loves those who loves them. Loves to takes things at the center. Inner and physical beauty. Lies but doesn't pretend. Gets angry often. Treats friends importantly. Always making friends. Easily hurt but recovers easily. Daydreamer. Opinionated. Does not care of what others think. Emotional. Decisive. Strong clairvoyance. Loves to travel, the arts and literature. Touchy and easily jealous. Concerned. Loves outdoors. Just and fair. Spendthrift. Easily influenced. Easily loses confidence. Loves children.

NOVEMBER: Has a lot of ideas. Difficult to fathom. Thinks forward. Unique and brilliant. Extraordinary ideas. Sharp thinking. Fine and strong clairvoyance. Can become good doctors. Dynamic in personality. Secretive. Inquisitive. Knows how to dig secrets. Always thinking. Less talkative but amiable. Brave and generous. Patient. Stubborn and hard-hearted. If there is a will, there is a way. Determined. Never give up. Hardly becomes angry unless provoked. Loves to be alone. Thinks differently from others. Sharp-minded. Motivates oneself. Does not appreciates praises. High-spirited. Well-built and tough. Deep love and emotions. Romantic.Uncertain in relationships. Homely. Hardworking. High abilities.Trustworthy. Honest and keeps secrets. Not able to control emotions. Unpredictable.

DECEMBER: Loyal and generous. Sexy. Patriotic. Active in games and interactions.Impatient and hasty. Ambitious. Influential in organizations. Fun to be with. Loves to socialize. Loves praises. Loves attention. Loves to be loved. Honest and trustworthy. Not pretending. Short tempered. Changing personality. Not egoistic. Take high pride in oneself. Hates restrictions. Loves to joke. Good sense of humor.

long day

2005-07-26T11:52:00.000+12:00

got a text message. dad was rushed to the icu. heart attack. i'm freaking.... i'm freaking.... can't get out of work. damn... naga is 9 hours away.

waiting to hear from my aunt. they said it's not that bad. but when you're in icu - THAT IS BAD. waiting is excruciatingly horrible. need to call home but damn the policy - says am not suppose to have a cellphone here.

not myself today

2005-07-26T09:37:00.000+12:00

had a very restless night. couldn't seem to put myself to sleep. tossed and turned. and woke up early feeling more restless.

went to work and noticed as i was walking along paseo that the i'm not wearing my clothes right. the frontside facing back. damn....

i'm back

2005-07-23T15:21:00.000+12:00

so i'm back to work again. the bus was supposed to leave at 9am but we left the bus station 9:30 am fil time.... sigh. so i arrived past 9 lst night. the tire popped 3 or so hours after we left naga. what a bum. took almost two hours to fix it. at least there was a vulcanizing shop nearby.

my brain has not adjusted to work mode yet. i wish i could've stayed there longer.

day 3 - to naga again

2005-07-21T19:04:00.000+12:00

time to go back to naga. lala yin and lala din came with me. my two aunts will follow us later. my father picked us up. we arrived in naga around 11am. there's not too many passengers so it was only the three of us on the jeep. mother will cooked spaghetti for merienda.

went to francia to visit my lala dad's grave, which reminds me i haven't been to lolo nof's in goa. said my prayers and left. paid my respects to Ina and went home. it rained that afternoon, we had spaghetti. my aunts in naga came to our small house and traded stories with my grandma and my mom.

around 9pm my father drove us over to uncle lito's house, brought over some spaghetti. ayen and kareen came with us. it's a sad house. played with my young cousins there - chutes and ladders but no one won. everytime we take the ladder up, we would somehow end up on the chutes and we slide back down. so no one won. kareen almost did, nini almost did, kai almost did, i almost did, but the chutes caught us and down we went.

that's life.... i heard....

day2 - buyo

2005-07-20T23:02:00.000+12:00

woke up past 7 am. my cousins have all gone to school. lala yin and lala din about to attend mass on the only chapel in buyo, which reminds me that i haven't been to church for so long. i didn't come with them. i should've but well i reasoned that i can't go there wearing my clothes yesterday (lame, huh).

spent the half the day roaming around buyo. buyo is on the south eastern slope of mt. isarog. went to the other house (commonly referred to amongst us as balyo, which roughly translated means other side) and it is owned by one of my aunts. it's a 10-15 minutes slow walk from my lala yin's house. there is an old house there where a house sitter lives, one of our distant relatives. the house is surrounded by mango, guava, avocado and pili trees. some banana plants out front and jackfruit trees.

across the house is the farm owned by my aunt, palay the color of gold ready for harvesting. "if it doesn't rain on saturday" said the sitter. then behind the house are more palay fields. i experienced passing through it to get to lala yin's house. and that was quite a trek. we don't do it unless we're feeling adventurous. we take the usual boring road but on that day my cousins and i felt like exploring so we went the back way. the worst that could happen though is you could fall flat on your face on the mud if you missed your step and of course hibo, which when you catch is itchy like hell. my grandmother when she learned of it, told us we were all crazy looking for nothing but body ache and trouble. the only thing that hurt after that walk was our feet. but it felt good, the adrenaline rush, the wind, the scratches and everything.

there was a small creek by the old house. we used it for swimming when we were younger but now it's been filled by mud where there used to be sand and gabi has grown on our small swimming pool. i missed the old days. life was much simpler then. near the house is a samll river, kulasi. i remember frolicking there with my cousins after a strong typhoon region because that's the only time it gets cleaned up and the water level really rises making the current more stronger and much suited for swimming. the strong water carry big rocks and felled trees and also stirs the snakes living living near the river. but during normal days, kulasi is full of grass and i don't dare take a swim since it passes by houses whose denizens used it for reasons that don't just include bathing. then there are pigsties built near it and carabao dung which is unavoidable since the river is surrounded by palay fields. the sad thing is the water is getting shallower and shallower. big storms mean more water coming from the mountains and those waters carry big rocks and felled trees.

so when we're feeling adventurous and feel like swimming, we trek to ranggas. the first time i went thre, it was with a bunch of my cousins. we went with our yaya who lives close to ranggas. it's a long walk from my lala's house, maybe 30-45 minutes. we don't go there often because we've been warned of elementals and even NPA's. we're more afraid of elementals actually because that river is supposedly enchanted. to go through it is to passed through endless jungle of coconut trees and the path is mostly rocky, dense vegetation, and fewer houses the farther you go. there's no electricity on these parts so we always leave before dark. it's easy to get lost. plus the aswang stories told by our yayas are always fresh on our minds. it's enough to make us walk faster when daylight is fading.

ranggas is much bigger than kulasi since kulasi is just one of it's tributaries. the current is much stronger, some parts of it are deeper, more than 4 feet. one thing you will notice about ranggas are its huge boulders and rocks the color of orange. the rocks are slippery and some will cut your feet but that doesn't keep us from the water. the water flows from mt. isarog. i have never gone up that mountain. i wish i had. i wanted to find out if what i've heard is true - 2 springs, one hot and one cold just beside each other. can't imagine it so i want to see if it's true.

a chicken's destiny

2005-07-20T18:35:00.000+12:00

went home before lunch. my lala yin won P100 on a sort of promo by lucky me (noodles). she used it bo buy a live chicken. that poor chicken is LUNCH. since my aunts and uncle were not there. it was now up to me and my brother to...well kill the chicken and prepare it so we could cook it. i have seen other people kill chickens but i have never participated in that gory stuff. i just eat it when it's on the table. but today i have no choice. somebody has to hold the chicken while shoty slit the poor thing's throat. and that somebody is me.

so he got a bowl, filled it with uncooked rice. i held on to the chicken's wings and it's legs. shoty plucked some of the feathers off it's neck and slit the chicken's throat. blood oozed off it to the bowl with the uncooked rice. the chicken convulsed violently while it's slowly being drained off of it's life. then it went very still. then we heated water and dunked the chicken there. then we started plucking the feathers. shoty got hold of a bolo (since we seem to have problems with our kives all of a sudden) and chopped off the head. opened up the chicken, found some would-be chicks . yellow colored bulbs. the chicken was fat. found lots of yellow stuff - its fatty tissue. took off it's intestines. carefully removed the butt part (for the obvious reason). found the liver and the gall bladder which burst and that is a bad thing because that would make the liver too bitter to eat. so shoty washed the liver furiously. chopped off the thighs and wings. cleaned up the adidas, scraped off the scales. but then we decided we didnt want it so threw the adidas away. i know i'm not sorry. i just can't imagine nibbling that thing...urghhh...

grandma decided to have two dishes done with it adobong manok and sinabawan. so we prepared the ingredients - onions, luya, toyo, suka and garlic for adobo. we know that it's a very old chicken, so it's meat was very tough. should've used a pressure cooker to soften the meat but no time for that. so that was lunch. i have just murdered a chicken for my lunch.

day1 - naga

2005-07-19T15:25:00.000+12:00

here's what happened on july 19:
arrived at naga a little over 4am. no jeepneys passing through cbd yet and don't want to take the trycycle bec they'll charge me P50-60 no (so, no way jose). decided to take a bus then for just P5 - good thing there was a bus about to leave for partido. still too dark to see anything outside. nearly missed my stop. no pedicabs yet - had to walk the distance from the entrance to the subd to our house (it's like walking from the pasay road-paseo to ayala ave). it was cold, dark and a little exhausting.

the dogs didn't bark at all. mugsy recognized me and so did my pet choco. slept half the day. then went grocery shopping in the afternoon with my brother. he went to his class afterwards. then i waited for my brother at the bus station around 7pm. we took the bus for goa - left at 7:30pm.

i missed traveling at night. we passed by endless fields on our way to goa. the moon was out in all its glory. we passed by farms ready for planting, the silver glow of the moon reflected on the muddy surface. the muddy fields looked like we were passing by still silvery water. but of course you know it's just mud, it's only your eyes playing tricks on you. but the view is still breathtaking.

we passed by areas of nearly endless black and green. broken only by a a lone house surrounded by nothing but palay fields and the looming dark mountains beyond. no electricity just electromax to light yor nights. i don't think i can live like that for so long. i tried that - spent two days on an island with no electricity (just stars to light your nights), and no running water except for seawater and the water from the balon (which is not too stomach friendly). but it was a great experience - wouldn't those trade few days for anything else.
and so our bus passed through palay fields of ocampo and the sugarcane fields of tigaon. the roads were empty. few cars on sight and no people roaming at night. street lights are quite rare and very far apart from each other. on some areas there's none at all. just the bus' headlights.

buyo, where my lala lived was very different when i was younger. but it has changed a lot since. dirt roads were now paved cold hard cement. i missed our that old road. rocky, grass growing on the sides and around the big rocks, muddy when it rains, and an occasional carabao dung.

arrived at goa past 9pm. uncle henry has been waiting for more than an hour for us. sorry uncle - bus was movin' too slow. reunion with my grandma lala yin. been a long time since i've seen her. still the same grandma i've know in my youth only thinner but still feisty =) i am her eldest grandchild.

she's going to be 80 in december. i wish i could be there on her birthday. my cousins have all grown up. one is about to have his first baby. everything is changing fast. i feel like i'm trailing behind, moving too slowly, stuck on a muck, just stationary. am i happy? half the time... is the glass half full? it all perception...

dinner was crabs (ginataan). heaven....

5 ifs before going home

2005-07-18T15:36:00.000+12:00

i'm going home tonight. i hope i will - that is:
1. if i manage to catch the last bus to naga
2. if my sister doesn't forget to wake up early
3. if she remembers to buy me a ticket
4. if i could get off early
5. and avoid a last minute long call =)

coincidentally, here's what my friendster horoscope has to say for today:

Today's Forecast
The travel bug hasn't just bitten you; it's infiltrated you. You're showing no scars, but you can't seem to stop looking over brochures of cruises, especially since a loved one is more than game to go along.

The Bottom Line
Whether you're mountain climbing, sea kayaking or walking, your blood is pumping!

In Detail
You've played your cards close to your chest for a while now, taking care to exercise every possibly caution, especially when it comes to protecting you and yours. At the moment, however, the heavens have arranged an opportunity for you to take off and show the rest of world just how well you can navigate risk and challenge. You won't be happy with yourself if you don't accept the dare -- and you know what that means.

whew...

we'll see

the rainbow survey

2005-07-17T19:12:00.000+12:00

the rainbow survey
Red
o1. who dya love?- my mom
o2. name some things that are red- blood, apple, love, lust, rage
o3. red symbolizes anger. do you have an irish temper?: just a temper
o4. red is the color of blood, too. what is your bloodtype?: no idea on that one

ORANGE
o1. orange reminds you of: Earthlink =)
o2. orange is bright. are you bright?: depends on what your definition of "bright" is => ditto aleck
o3. name some orange things: earthlink, ponkan
o4. do you know anyone who has dyed their hair orange?: no, the people i know are pretty tame i guess =>

YELLOW
o1. yelLow reminds you of: the sun
o2. yellow is a warning color. dya fear anything right now?: yeah missing my bus tonight
o3. name some yellow things: my microsoft mug, stick it notes
o4. yellow also symbolizes happiness. are you happy?: numb

GREEN
o1. green reminds you of: money
o2. green means 'go'. why is that?: i was not consulted when they decided to make it mean "go" so how should i know? i wasn't there
o3. name some green things: broccoli, forests, mountain side, my grandmother's orchard, jealousy and envy

BLUE
o1. blue reminds you of: my high school
o2. blue symbolizes sadness.are you sad?: depressed.
o3. is blue your favorite color?: yeah one of them
o4. name some blue things: sky, ocean, my estee overnight bag
o5. do you know why the ocean is blue?: salt =), reflection of the sky?

VIOLET/PURPLE.
o1. purple reminds you of: death, lotus (don't know why)
o2. purple is often called a 'weird' color. Are you weird?: half the time (since the other half i'm abnormal=_)
o3. name some purple things: grace and aleck (the purple girls)
o4. have you ever met someone with purple hair?: like personally?i don't think so

PINK
o1. pink reminds you of: ruby (she's pink crazy)
o2. is pink the most feminine color?: i don't think so
o3. name some pink things: balloons during mycah's birthday

OTHER
o1. what is/are your favorite color/s?: blue, black, white
o2. why?: irrelevant question, they chose me
o4. gold or silver?: silver
o5. what colour does your life represent currently?: gray

parmesan cheese

2005-07-16T14:58:00.000+12:00

looking for parmesan cheese

tin and I were in the grocery section SM Megamall:

tin2: saan dito yung parmesan cheese nyo? kraft (brand) bilog yung lalagyan at kulay green.
sales person (male): lunchbox ba yan ma'm?
me: (tumalikod at kinausap ang sarili) "seryoso bang usapan ito?"
saleslady: pagkain ba yan ma'm?
me: (kinausap ulit ang sarili) hay ewan malamang hindi! hindi pare-pareho ang pinag uusapan natin ",)

grabe hindi ko kinaya ito =) parang gusto kong tumawa at maglulumpasay doon sa sahig. istress ito hihihi

zodiac for the Aries woman

2005-07-14T16:41:00.000+12:00

ARIES WOMAN

She thinks the world is watching her through the eye glasses of rose petal frame. She thinks people think and talk about her only about good things and often disappoint to know the fact that they are not true and not even real,so she will feel hurt. She think her path has to be a beautiful one. She thinks only good things so she prepares and always makes arrangement for herself to be in the right path always, quite systematic indeed.

If there is no guy in her life, she will be busy with herself. This seemingly ordinary woman will push herself to meet her goal. Her face mostly will be slim and long, high cheek bone, Eye brow slightly curve up, slightly tall more than short, thin lips and she will have quite a confusing mixture of character.

Sometimes, she will be very careful about guy she will mingle with. She thinks as if she has a main CPU in her head and she could memorize everything from her childhood. When she's faced with problems, she will handle them and solve them very well, and at the same time showing other people that she has that capability. She can put her mind in solving problems and
nothing will stop her.

Woman in this Zodiac could be totally different from one woman to another woman. You could see her in the party dancing like flash dance or dirtydancing, as well you could also see her as an old fashion lady or a geek.She could be someone flashy and wanted by many men, or she could be a cold and non-social person. She will have her own way to win you over. Once she choose you, she will need to be proud of you.

"Love" is not as important to her as "Marriage". Her real goal in life is"Safety" and her position in other people sight need to be "Secure". She plans her life, and social life easily and very carefully. She is also very artistic and realistic, so if you are a nobody or nothing, no chance because she loves ambition and a good life. She needs lots of love,but does not want and does not believe in an occasional or unconventional love.

She is proud in nature type, so if you see a woman in this Zodiac come from a poor family, she will act like a woman from a noble family by birth anyway (certainly there are always exceptions)! She always look cool even when she is not. She likes to make people see her as "secure and confident" even she is a mixed emotion and mixed character type. If she is mad, you can tell right away and she can stay moody for quite a long time.

You never have all her time, for she likes to work hard and also spent some spare times working for charity. You will see woman in this zodiac a "Volunteer" for camp, and if she is in a high society, she will most likely be a president or a V.P. of a "Club". She is romantic and artistic, but being poor and unstable is certainly not in her dreams. Her beautiful imaginations need to be realistic, for failure is not in her plan.

A Goat always climb high, so either she start from a low point or a highpoint, she will make sure at the end she will have the best spot. She will not show her ambition, but she will show that she's satisfied with herself now. Once you look back she already moved up again , quietly but surely.

If she is your love one, be supportive and understand her. She is stubborn, but she will listen. She will act like a gentle fragile person,but in fact she can stick like a super glue without you knowing it.

***

sidenote: my sister picked it up somewhere. bad grammar but got the message loud and clear anyway

puhlitks

2005-07-13T18:50:00.000+12:00

should gloria resign????

______r u kidding me??????

NOT if they will replace her with susan!!!~!!@!

hahahahaha

birth tree

2005-07-11T21:39:00.000+12:00

Finally found it. got it from aleck's site.

Jan 01 to Jan 11 - Fir Tree
Jan 12 to Jan 24 - Elm Tree
Jan 25 to Feb 03 - Cypress Tree
Feb 04 to Feb 08 - Poplar Tree
Feb 09 to Feb 18 - Cedar Tree
Feb 19 to Feb 28 - Pine Tree
Mar 01 to Mar 10 - Weeping Willow Tree
Mar 11 to Mar 20 - Lime Tree
Mar 21 - Oak Tree
Mar 22 to Mar 31 - Hazelnut Tree
Apr 01 to Apr 10 - Rowan Tre
Apr 11 to Apr 20 - Maple Tree
Apr 21 to Apr 30 - Walnut Tree
May 01 to May 14 - Poplar Tree
May 15 to May 24 - Chestnut Tree
May 25 to Jun 03 - Ash Tree
Jun 04 to Jun 13 - Hornbeam Tree
Jun 14 to Jun 23 - Fig Tree
Jun 24 - Birch Tree
Jun 25 to Jul 04 - Apple Tree
Jul 05 to Jul 14 - Fir Tree
Jul 15 to Jul 25 - Elm Tree
Jul 26 to Aug 04 - Cypress Tree
Aug 05 to Aug 13 - Poplar Tree
Aug 14 to Aug 23 - Cedar Tree
Aug 24 to Sep 02 - Pine Tree
Sep 03 to Sep 12 - Weeping Willow Tree
Sep 13 to Sep 22 - Lime Tree
Sep 23 - Olive Tree
Sep 24 to Oct 03 - Hazelnut Tree
Oct 04! to Oct 13 - Rowan Tree
Oct 14 to Oct 23 - Maple Tree
Oct 24 to Nov 11 - Walnut Tree
Nov 12 to Nov 21 - Chestnut Tree
Nov 22 to Dec 01 - Ash Tre
Dec 02 to Dec 11 - Hornbeam Tree
Dec 12 to Dec 21 - Fig Tree
Dec 22 - Beech Tree
Dec 23 to Dec 31 - Apple Tree

birth tree =) tee hee hee

2005-07-11T19:24:00.000+12:00

APPLE TREE (Love) - of slight build, lots of charm, appeal, and attraction, pleasant aura, flirtatious, adventurous, sensitive, always in love, wants to love and be loved, faithful and tender partner, very generous, scientific talents, lives for today, a carefree philosopher with imagination.

ASH TREE (Ambition)- uncommonly attractive, vivacious, impulsive, demanding, does not care for criticism, ambitious, intelligent, talented, likes to play with fate, can be egotistic, very reliable and trustworthy, faithful and prudent lover, sometimes brains rule over the heart, but takes partnership very seriously.

BEECH TREE (Creative)- has good taste, concerned about its looks, materialistic, good organization of life and career, economical, good leader, takes no unnecessary risks, reasonable, splendid lifetime companion, keen on keeping fit (diets, sports, etc.)

BIRCH TREE (Inspiration) - vivacious, attractive, elegant, friendly,pretentious, modest, does not like anything in excess, abhors the vulgar, loves life in nature and in calm, not very passionate, full of imagination, little ambition, creates a calm and content atmosphere.

CEDAR TREE (Confidence) - of rare beauty, knows how to adapt, likes luxury, of good health, not in the least shy, tends to look down on others,self-confident, determined, impatient, likes to impress others, many talents, industrious, healthy optimism, waiting for the one true love, able to make quick decisions.

CHESTNUT TREE (Honesty) - of unusual beauty, does not want to impress, well-developed sense of justice, vivacious, interested, a born diplomat, but irritates easily and sensitive in company, often due to a lack of self confidence, acts sometimes superior, feels not understood, loves only once, has difficulties in finding a partner.

CYPRESS TREE (Faithfulness) -strong, muscular, adaptable, takes what life has to give, content, optimistic, craves money and acknowledgment, hates loneliness, passionate lover which cannot be satisfied, faithful, quick-tempered, unruly, pedantic, and careless.

ELM TREE (Noble-Minded) - pleasant shape, tasteful clothes, loudest demands, tends not to forgive mistakes, cheerful, likes to lead but not to obey, honest and faithful partner, likes making decisions for others, noble-minded, generous, good sense of humor, practical.

FIG TREE (Sensibility) - very strong, a bit self-willed,independent, does not allow contradiction or arguments, loves life, its family, children and animals, a bit of a social butterfly, good sense of humor, likes idleness and laziness, of practical talent and intelligence.

FIR TREE (Mysterious) - extraordinary taste, dignity, sophisticated, loves anything beautiful, moody, stubborn, tends to egoism but cares for those close to them, rather modest, very ambitious, talented, industrious, uncontested lover, many friends, many foes, very reliable.

HAZELNUT TREE (Extraordinary) - charming, undemanding, very understanding, knows how! to make an impression, active fighter for social cause, popular, moody, and capricious lover, honest, and tolerant partner, precise sense of judgment.

HORNBEAM TREE (Good Taste) - of cool beauty, cares for its looks and condition, good taste, is not egoistic, makes life as comfortable as possible, leads a reasonable and disciplined life, looks for kindness and acknowledgment in an emotional partner, dreams of unusual lovers, is seldom happy with its feelings, mistrusts most people, is never sure of its decisions, very conscientious.

LIME TREE (Doubt) - accepts what life dishes out in a composed way, hates fighting, stress, and labor, dislikes laziness and idleness, soft and relenting, makes sacrifices for friends, many talents but not tenacious enough to make them blossom, often wailing and complaining, very jealous but loyal.

MAPLE TREE (Independent) - no ordinary person, full of imagination and ! originality, shy and reserved, ambitious, proud, self-confident, hungers for new experiences, sometimes nervous, has many complexities, good memory, learns easily, complicated love life, wants to impress.

OAK TREE (Brave) - robust nature, courageous, strong, unrelenting, independent, sensible, does not like change, keeps its feet on the ground, person of action.

OLIVE TREE (Wisdom) - loves sun, warmth and kind feelings, reasonable, balanced, avoids aggression and violence, tolerant, cheerful, calm, well-developed sense of justice, sensitive, empathetic, free of jealousy, loves to read and the company of sophisticated people.

PINE TREE (Particular) - loves agreeable company, very robust, knows how to make life comfortable, very active, natural, good companion, but seldom friendly, falls easily in love but its passion burns out quickly, gives up easily, everything disappointments until it finds i! ts ideal, trustworthy, practical.

POPLAR TREE (Uncertainty) - looks very decorative, not very self-confident, only courageous if necessary, needs goodwill and pleasant surroundings, very choosy, often lonely, great animosity, artistic nature, good organizer, tends to lean toward philosophy, reliable in any situation, takes partnership seriously.

ROWAN TREE (Sensitivity) - full of charm, cheerful, gifted without egoism, likes to draw attention, loves life, motion, unrest, and even complications, is both dependent and independent, good taste, artistic, passionate, emotional, good company, does not forgive.

WALNUT TREE (Passion) - unrelenting, strange and full of contrasts, often egotistic, aggressive, noble, broad horizon, unexpected reactions, spontaneous, unlimited ambition, no flexibility, difficult and uncommon partner, not always liked but often admired, ingenious strategist, very jealous and passio!nate, no compromise.

WEEPING WILLOW (Melancholy) - beautiful but full of melancholy, attractive, very empathetic, loves anything beautiful and tasteful, loves to travel, dreamer, restless, capricious, honest, can be influenced but is not easy to live with, demanding, good intuition, suffers in love but finds sometimes an anchoring partner

*****

and my tree is the witch tree - rowan. reminds me of the mayfair witches trilogy...rowan... the thirteenth witch

highschool

2005-07-10T16:27:00.000+12:00

**Freshman Year**
1. Section* sun
2. Adviser* Ms. Aleli Rempillo
3. Subject Taught By Adviser* Filipino
4. Best Memory* tour organized by the school where we went to manila, tagaytay, etc
5. Worst Memory* i think this was the year we started lugging around the typewriter every goddamn day
6. Favorite Subject* English
7. Least Favorite Subject* Math
8. Class Accomplishment* we won the play (where anthony played rizal - the best;)

**Sophomore Year**
1. Section* Molave (i had to edit this again because Tin2 said we're from Molave at hindi narra-narrahan hihihi)
2. Adviser* Mrs. Charmaine Neo-Luntok
3. Subject Taught By Adviser* English
4. Best Memory* went to davao with my family in december, won an essay contest (3rd place i guess)
5. Worst Memory* exams
6. Favorite Subject* English
7. Least Favorite Subject* Math
8. Class Accomplishment* can't recall any

**Junior Year**
1. Section* ruby
2. Adviser* Ms. Judy Altea
3. Subject Taught By Adviser* Math
4. Best Memory* learned how to play tong its, pusoy dos, magsugal ;p taught by the pasaway classmates, parties at Petron's =)
5. Worst Memory* exams, project deadlines
6. Favorite Subject* English
7. Least Favorite Subject* Math, Filipino
8. Class Accomplishment* we always have something artsy on our bulletin board - franco, chri, sean and the rest of the talented people in our class created a very impressive bulletin board during this year. the one they did for christmas stands out the most

** Senior Year**
1. Section* Charity
2. Adviser* Mrs. Lourdita Ll. Bayani
3. Subject Taught By Adviser* English
4. Best Memory* parties at champagne or at Petron =)
5. Worst Memory* thesis, graduation practice
6. Favorite Subject* English
7. Least Favorite Subject* Physics and Math!
8. Class Accomplishment* graduation

**High School**
1. Best Thing About It* friends
2. Worst Thing About It* cramming during exams, petty quarrels
3. Canteen Price* a lot cheaper
4. Memorable Line By A Teacher?* "Sorry are those how expect too much for they shall be frustrated" =) ahem ahem guess who
5. Rule You Don't Like* 20 minutes lang ang recess??? and saturday classes
6. Weirdest Rule* length of skirts, socks and neckties are being checked almost daily at kapag sinukat sila at sumobra -hay naku tahian ito doon sa disciplinary office =)
7. Comments* want to relive it again, pero once lang.

big chill - thawed

2005-06-29T19:45:00.000+12:00

i have Conquered the big chill. and the stone is back and blogger is back where i am.

can't say how glad. proxies suck!

on to the things that really matter (to me anyway):
i'd say the big chill is the worst puzzle i have ever come across. i have been walking all over the answer - D*mn! the bloody answer has been right under my freakin' nose and i never recognized it for what it was. i even wrote it on my email to Mr. B. man i feel dumb. i should feel elated now that it's over. but this is one of those puzzles where you feel bummed out first, before feeling relieved =)

gilligan's island

2005-06-28T20:39:00.000+12:00

gwen - goofing around

smiled at the wrong camera

rock on!!!!

tipsy tipsy tipsy

***

pics all hail from cash =)

morning after

2005-06-27T23:10:00.000+12:00

morning after is the event after an irreversible fact...

like waking up and finding yourself in a strange bed, in the wrong room, and with no memory of who is the person sleeping next to you

every event is marked by a memory so acute it hurts to remember it.

like the day you found out that you can't go on stoning anymore because the url is blocked
and you cursed the computer until it had to reboot out of shame. and still thestone is blocked and you cursed some more

like the day you found out blogger is blocked as well... duh... for reasons you cannot fathom. because unlike you, the the ayti finds it easier to block out sites you spend bandwidth on rather than spywares. (yes i am bitter!!!) so you have to say goodbye to blogging and forget about updating it daily. so goodbye blog, until the next time i go to an internet cafe then...

but then hello proxy sites...

morning after is also when all the things you did last night came back to hunt you today

like all the things you did last night after you've had your 8th bottle of beer. and All the other things you can't recall that happened that night between the nth bottle of beer and twilight zone.

in every event, memories are created by the most powerful emotion that will make that moment unforgettable. because the strongest emotion defines what will be your action and the result of your choice to act is the THING you will remember during the morning after.

whether it's good or bad - it will always irreversible because there is NO going back. the choice has been made. you can Never go back. Nothing can ever be turned back - especially time. (like domain migrations to pas from atl are now irreversible =)

emotions, like time pass, but the marks left are sometimes lasting. it can ruin great things and build something out of nothing.
morning afters will make you wish desperately that you hadn't - but you just DID - last night in fact.

now today in your most lucid moment, you wish you had the decency to stay moderately sober or moderately drunk. so that the disastrous result(s) of your choice would have been only moderately disastrous. but you wouldn't know "moderate" if it smacked you in the face last night. because last night you were stoned, gone, so far gone to go back.

so today is your morning after. time to face the facts and the inevitable consequences of last night. because today is another day, another moment,
another choice,
another memory in the making.
another time (sober this time)
so choose wisely.

make it matter...

SOS

2005-06-27T22:32:00.000+12:00

this is a test

i repeat this is a TEST.

ok

blogger is blocked

i repeat blogger is blocked

SOS

SOS

SOS

hay wala!!!!

mayday

mayday

mayday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ssdd

2005-06-19T22:48:00.000+12:00

7am shift - damn early.
should be somehwere else other than this hellhole.
damn the interim

4pm - endshift
damn early
will go home when the sun goes down
not used to the 4pm sun

tomorrow
another day....maybe
but
then
same shit different day

full circle

2005-06-08T21:22:00.000+12:00

i wanted to grow old, then i wouldn't have to care what other people say. i can do as i please. after all, life is short.

. . . and then when i am old, i would wish i were younger. because life is indeed short. and that is a wish i may come to regret - should've been more careful when it comes to wishing because some wishes do come true. and when i come nearer and nearer to my Time, i will realize how cruel it is! time goes on and will never wait for me. the world will go on even when i ceased to be. i may exist for a short time in it's limited memory. but like any ordinary memory, i will fade. fade away with time. like sands on the shore will eventually be carried away by the tide. i will return to Sea. because it is every sand's destiny (to one day end up at the bottom of the sea). i have come full circle. it is the end of my journey.

big chill

2005-06-04T15:23:00.000+12:00

have forgotten to update this. working overtime on the nudges. finally solved stored mind - what a TRIP! annoying puzzle! i think i need more than nudges on big chill though. i need to get warm or end up with frostbite trying to solve this one.

repost

2005-05-29T23:17:00.000+12:00

last post for may. a repost from edel's friendster.

____________ Part 1: Basics_____________
name: vanny
sex: femme
bday: i'm an aries let's leave it at that
where do you live: right now, a hole somewhere in pasay
height: a little over 5
shoe size: 5
first crush: bach
righty or lefty: righty
zodiac sign: the ram
usual first impression of you: too quiet, nerdy
ever been in love: no, should i?
puppy love never always: puppy??? ;)
tattoo: nada
crush: pineapple! hahaha

____________ Part 2: Food_____________
chocolate milk or hot chocolate: hot chocolate, i'm a purist
mcdonalds or jollibee: fries - mcdonalds, spaghetti - jollibee
coke or pepsi: coke
root beer or cali: cali
tea or coffee: tea if it's ice tea
milk/dark/white chocolate: dark chocolate
vanilla or chocolate: chocolate
cake or pie: definitely cake

____________ Part 3: Pick one______________
marry the perfect friend or perfect lover: both, i'm selfish
cats or dogs: rottweiler, so dogs
1 pillow or 2: 2
w/ or w/o ice: it's summer, so w/ ice
top or bottom: uhm, top i guess
winter/spring/summer/fall: spring
rock/rap/r&b/punk/ballads: rock!
day or night: day, blind as a bat at night
vest or mittens: mittens
dressed or undressed: depends on the place
bunk or water bed: water bed
make plans or go along: make plans and go along <-- ditto!truth or dare: dare, when truth sucks
MTV or VH1: MTV
ocean or pool: ocean, but i can't swim though
showers or baths: showers
love or lust: love
silver or white gold: silver
diamonds or pearls: i like both
pencil or pen: pencil
sunrise or sunsets: sunrise
blind or deaf: deaf

_______________ Part 4: Favorites___________
color: green
number: 8
subject: English
drink: water, C2 iced tea
animal: rottweiler
holiday: christmas and my birthday
line from a movie: can't recall any
movie: LOTR trilogy was good
hang out: my hole, PS internet cafe for stoning

_________________ Part 5: Future_____________
number of kids: 3
job: professional stoner =)
ideal partner: a good nudge giver, of course

hydrophobia

2005-05-18T21:33:00.000+12:00

it didn't just rain yesterday, it POURED.

while i was still at the office probably past 6pm, got a message from my sister that electricity just went out. she was asking me where the matchboxes were. hahaha! for some weird reason it's in my bag. i don't smoke, ok. i was cleaning the day before and was stuffing random things into my bag and the matchbox was one of the things i forgot to take out. so i went to work with those stuff that should've been better left at home.

left work around 7:30pm got home nearly 10 in the evening. while walking to landmark i was asking Sitael to please ask the angels in-charge of the weather to call it quits and save some rainy weather for the next day. it seemed that he was listening because by the time i reached landmark, the rain had become tolerable. it was not coming down in torrents anymore, just a shower. lucky me. but lightning would continue streaking all over the dark sky. sometimes it would be accompanied by thunder. but mostly it was just lightning. i have never seen so much lightning in my ENTIRE life! freaked the daylights out of me. but because i wanted to go home so badly i didn't dare leave my place on the queue, which was very very very very very long. i couldn't emphasize it enough. it was LONG!

even in my abjct terror i can't help but be amaze at the bolts that light up the sky. who needs stars when these things could light up the sky better than stars do, right? they're beautiful in a scary kind of way. after all if it hits you, you're fried, toasted, burned more likely - bupkis.
when my admiration over the lightning dance gradually faded, as time dragged on from seconds to minutes and from minutes to hours and from hours to what seemed like eternity to me. i was starting to REALLY pay attention to my immediate surroundings and to the conversations around me. nevermind the sky, the rain and lightning. i started to become mad, then i was angry, and then i was furious and then i just crossed over from totally positively furious to absolutely silently fuming. it was wonder i didn't start throwing rocks at those drivers. blame it on my hunger. i couldn't think straight. much more carry more weight other than my own and my backpack. so the jeepney drivers were lucky. i was too hungry and weak to go amok. and the jeeps still won't take any passengers.

i heard that pasong tamo was so goddamned flooded that no jeepney drivers would dare brave it. so i was stranded for more than two hours. wet, chilled down to my marrows, jumpy as a cat, starving and stark raving mad. to put it in one sentence, i was royally pissed. the last time my tummy had seen any food was 1pm people. if i could drive i would have hijacked one of those jeepneys and drove home myself. but i couldn't - lucky bastards! why couldn't they just pass through edsa?? like the others did. you'd think those m*th*rf*ck%rs were so brave (what with overspeeding and racing with trucks everyday and then they're afraid of water???? por dios por santo!!!) if i wasn't so hungry and thoroughly pissed i would have laughed out loud then, so i just smirked. it wouldn't solve my problem anyway. i got stuck until one driver decided he can't spend the night on his jeep and decided to confront his fear of water.

traffic was horrible. pasong tamo was worse, water is at knee level. when i reached libertad, i was so happy i could kissed the ground i was walking on. but i didn't - what??? you think i'm that nutty? i was just glad to get there.
",>

KISS

2005-05-11T22:55:00.000+12:00

ended this day with 4 stone puzzles done with and dusted. that brings the total to 60 puzzles in the wind. solved messages today. stored mind is frying my brain for the meantime. nudges keep telling me to KISS - keep it simple, stupid.... and i thought that's what i've been doing.

got an email from my good friend up there in wien. jeez reminds me that i am such a LouSY friend. if you're reading this Eves thanks for putting up with me. while i was solving one stone puzzle (reunion - tough one but real cool) your name was actually one of the closes (close answers) - reminded me of you. halfway to solving it, i was thinking - man i have to write Eva =) sorry for the neglect gurl. watch out for my mails sent them to your wien address. since you're there most of the time, right? thought that you might not be in neustadtl till your summer vacation. from what i know of heartaches i'm afraid that's something not even good ole aspirin can't cure. just like a bad tooth, you have to go the dentist to have it pulled out. but i heard tequila works fine on it - ok jsut kidding... ok i'm getting too batty here ...blame it on thestone. this game's messing wih my mind lately.

ok going home cherie, have to get some shut eye. getting late here and still at work. going home before maki kicks me out =) tata

getting stoned again

2005-05-11T20:26:00.000+12:00

solved fossils - FINALLY!!!!!!! don't ask how. i feel stupid... the answer has been staring at me all along or i HAVE been staring at it all along. kung ahas to natuka na ko promise. talk about pahirapan ba ang sarili. eto na to! i knew i tried it - dont' know why it didn't take it then. must be the damn spelling thing they were talking about. i can't believe i wasted almost 3 weeks on it!!! sucks! what waste of time. i almost posted a nudge on it at the commons. sheesh...

also solved a couple of other puzzles that i never thought i would. fast forward - should've tried out the answer as soon as i read frost's piece. the moths - SHEER BLIND LUCK. got it in 30 minutes or less. not even a close or a clever. knew what it was about based on the images on the puzzle. just had no idea what sort of answer the SK's want. just pasted a random answer from one of searches i tried. all the pax and the lucis - did it i guess. consider it a nudge if you will ",>

what probably made this day stink to the high heavens was:

nagshadi pa ko. tien na! wang chi lo ko yung closing spiel on one of my QA's last week. it's suppose to cure amnesia with regards to that annoying subject. kawsu ni men: it pedends, it pedends =0

ok, off getting stoned again. later alligator

cigars and dreams

2005-05-09T20:37:00.000+12:00

i have not made any updates on my blog. it's not that i've forgotten how to do it, i've just been away - hunting, walking, wool gathering. had a slight probelm logging in, couldn't quite remember what my password was - damn.

sorry gwennie. she was asking me a few minutes ago if i have updated this. well this is my first entry for may. my mom, and my brother and my naughty little cousin visited me last week and i've been too busy to update anything. they just left last saturday morning. so it's pretty peaceful on my abode again. i got a bad cold as well, courtesy of my brother. can't breathe. i feel like i have tb rather than just a nasty little cold. i shouldn't be working today but swapped skeds with lissa. for reasons i am not allowed to disclose, right liss?

had a dream last week, was with aleck on the elevator and another person we didn't know probably from another account. we were plunging all the way to the ground floor. pretty scary. felt so real. that was on may 3 past 3 in the afternoon. i almost didn't want to go to work anymore. i gues aleck and i shouldn't be sharing elevator rides for this month huh. best to remember it. i keep forgetting.

ok i've been at least written something decent. time to go back to my stoning. haven't been doing much lately. god i Hate fossils. too many damn closes and no f*ck*ng cigar. if a fellow stoner can read this, i need a cattle prod please....

(in)famous break up lines

2005-04-26T16:41:00.000+12:00

Message: These are just some of the famous break-uplines... Alin ba dito ang narinig o nasabi nyo na? rated PG to ",)

1. "I just realized that I don't want to be touched."-- Never kita hinipuan noh..... baklang to......
2. "I'm confused and I need some time out to find myself!!!"-- Eto flashlight, go look for yourself!
3. "Maybe this is not the right time for us."-- Anak ng tipaklong! anong oras ba dapat?! alas-kwatro?
4. "Di kita maalagaan ng tulad ng ineexpect mo.You deserve someone better. That's not me."-- Bakit sinabi ko bang gusto ko ng YAYA????
5. "Lasing lang ako kagabi. Sorry."-- Eh ako ba lasing? Sino nagsabi sa iyo nagus2 ko ng lasing..... LASINGGERO!
6. "We are too different from each other."-- Bakit anong klaseng ANIMAL ka??

True lies and true lines:
7. "We have to meet other people to see what it's like to be with someone else. I'm giving you that choice. if you come back to me, we'll both be better from having chosen freely."-- HoY! mga palusot mo! break kung ayaw mo na...dami mo pang satsat eh!
8. "Someday, hahanapin kita, when we're both ready. When we don't care about the odds. Kung tayo talaga, tayo rin in the end, di ba?"-- tataguan na kita! kala mo magpapahanap ako!!
9. "I really think that we should breakup." "Why?" "Because I don't know if I still love you."-- Eh ala k nman palang utak kc, how wud u know???...BOBO!
10. "I just realized I haven't had time to walk my dog..."-- Pochang aso yan, buti kung ma-ano mo yan....-- cge pa-ano ka sa aso mo..... an liit kya ng ano nyan.....
11. "It's not you, it's me...-- nyahahaha...... Buti alam mo
12. "Talagang kapatid/kaibigan lang ang turing ko sa'yo, e. Let's keep it that way."-- hinahalikan at nagpapa-ano k pala sa kapatid atkaibigan....... tsk tsk tsk...... INCEST YAN!!!13. "we are not growing anymore."-- IKAW lang no..... try mo kaya mag-GROWIE...... "tatangkad din ako"
14. "I don't have feelings for you anymore."-- Eh pano, gus2 mo lng makipaglaro sa apoy....d nman kc kelangan ng feelings dun...... "URGE" lng pwede na....
15. "i need space..."-- dun ka sa OUTER SPACE!
16. "Mahahanap mo rin ang para sa iyo. Goodluck na lang."-- Umalis alis k nga sa harap ko at baka matiris lng kita........ KUTO!!!
17. "We don't fit in together."-- eh pano, maluwag na.......
18. "sorry kisses, di ka gusto ng mama ko"-- hindi nman sya pakakasalan ko eh, and besides,andami pang ibang nanay sa mundo!!
19. "Sorry, I just realized mas gusto ko sa babae"-- tignan natin kung kanino mas masarap.....pompyang gurl
20. "let's call it QUITS! "-- QUITS mo mukha mo!
21. "Pupunta na ako sa America and I won't come back. Don't follow me there, please."-- kung ayaw mo masundan kita, sa IRAQ ka magpunta.....
22. " Na Realize ko mahal ko pa pala Ex ko/ mas mahal ko pala bestfriend ko"-- Cnong Ex? May pumatol pa pala sayo?
23. " Masyado kang Bata "-- DOM pala ang gusto mo..... sabi ko n nga ba eh......
24. " Kung talagang tayo kahit saang sulok ng mundo magtatagpo tayo"-- next tym we meet, sa burol mo n un or crime scene of ur death perhaps
25. "it was not meant to be ... so honey i am setting you free to look for your destiny"-- u think i see u as my destiny too? dream on.....playmate lng nman tyo di ba?
26. "our time together was beautiful ... but i realized that there are still things i like to discover so ...."-- Pucha, beautiful talaga kc nadiscover ko n almost all kinds of gurls while we were together.......
27. "you are too immature for me..."-- MALAMANG, DOM gus2 mo eh......
28. "It seems that we are not compatible witheach other."-- nde nga, TAO ako, H@**P ka!
29. "Tama na. Ayoko na. "-- eh cnabi ko n yan kahapon eh..... "GAYAGAYA!!!"
30. " i've decided to move on with my life without you... "-- eh ikaw lng nman

***
this is from nicole's friendster

reunions

2005-04-23T22:42:00.000+12:00

yesterday, met love at the hotel she and her siblings were at. geez had to walk from pedro gil to a. mabini! never been to manila alone, have always gone there with my cousin or with my sister. it was a long walk and she told me it would be short. typical love, she said that the map seems to make it look like the places are just a "thumb away." oh my god in a scale of what???? anyway, i was so happy to see her... i've been bored to kingdom come here. funny how i actually miss her antics.

she hasn't change in a bit. same old same old love. still hates the sun and wacky as ever. she said they were here to pick up her sister's husband at the airport. since she still has some time to spare, brought her over to see the shoebox room i live in in pasay. managed to drag her to makati. went to glorietta and greenbelt. woke up valdz from his sleep so he could meet us and pay our bill at teriyaki boy which amounted to over php500. he didn't even get to eat the food. since by the time he arrived, we were done with our lunch and the ever gallant valdz (with a little prodding from the both of us and a guilty conscience - go ask love why), took out his envelope and paid for it without even batting an eyelash.

leave it to love to make that day memorable. never a dull moment when you're with her. armed with her usual notoriety, she even managed to play a prank on pres. it was all valdz fault, sinimulan ni valdz tinapos ni love. he texted pres, who by the way is in baguio on his second year at the pma, that i happen to be married. of course he texted me and ask if it's true. of course we both know it isn't. the text message pres sent me was dated april 19 but i didn't see it until yesterday. forgive me pres, cellphones are not allowed on the floor. we leave our phones with the guard and the guards read our messages = ) joke. i showed it to love and promptly decided on a course of action - to take it one level higher (or worst depending on how you see it). she decided "to see the story to it's end."

she told pres that i am not married but living in with someone. and she even made up a name and decided on ryan (only god knows why? - ryan cabrera was probably singing a song then).

pres texted me that a certain chismosa just told him that i have an S.O. named ryan. i asked him "cno chismosa na yan?" and he replied "katabi mo." i replied "si valdz? sure k ba chismosa? bka chismoso? pres, replying in the affirmative on the chismosa, i think sealed it.

love told me to deny the "issue." so i did (i never had a choice - couldn't say no to her, really - or she'll twist my arm - haha just kidding love). there's a saying curiousity kiled the cat - and pres is a very curious cat. pres being the persistent person that he is, texted me again. so supposedly i got pissed and replied with "o ngayn? naniwala ka naman kaagad. cno ba yan chismosa na yan at gigilitan ko. di marunong magtago ng sikreto!" so i'm supposed to be pissed at love who's pissed at pres for letting me know that he knows about my so called secret.

then, love sent pres a message that said: i am furious with her for revealing my secret. that i am not speaking to her at all and that i just told her that she could hotfoot it to her hotel alone. and since she's not familiar around manila - it's a big problem of course. so pres is is of course very guilty.

pres called love asking her if i am royally pissed. and prankster that she is, gave a very convincing story that i am. you should've her seen her. joash never stood a chance. he really fell for it.

love and i have never really had a huge argument (she's a sagittarius). we have always gone on fine. if i'm mad she just let's me be and vice versa. we were just at powerbooks looking up what sign works best with what and our signs are compatible in terms of that (read my blog entry dated february 27, me aries you...).

she told me pres is having an exam that day. i always feel guilty too quickly so i told her "bawiin mo na." but she thought why not let him stew on it for a little bit more. so messages went back and forth between them. pres has not sent me any mesages during that time. he really fell for that cock and bull story - hook, line and sinker!

when pres asked how she's suppose to go back to her hotel, she told him that valdz will take her back there since i am incommunicado. i went home past 7 pm and still haven't told pres that the jokes on him. around 8 pm she texted me that since pres is having an exam she decided to tell him the truth but pres haven't replied yet. so i told love that he's probably trying to calm himself before he replies. and sure enough when pres replied it was in ALL CAPS!

it turns out that he was late for class because of what we did so he was "punished" by being made to clean (i don't know what). and that he was not able to concentrate on his exam because he thought that we HAD A HUGE ARGUMENT! so he promised a resbak! so i told love, i was gonna apologized but i was afraid i was gonna get a message in ALL CAPS! as well. so she said she'll just calm him down and then i can text him hahaha - which i never did since i fell asleep. the nerve -you would say, but i was really tired with all our walking that day and i have to go to work the next day.

she was forwarding me the messages she was getting from pres. she had somehow calmed him down if we take the low caps as an indication. of course, pres is still crying out vengeance. and to that she said "can't wait." oh well, good luck pres! looks like you're gonna need it. you're going up against the master prankster hahaha.

hope to see you again love!! till the next gullible person we meet",> tata!

whoops: my phone's ringing. O oh it's pres. pay back time i guess ;) oh well...

nutty vs. batty

2005-04-22T23:36:00.000+12:00

on my way home last thursday, i happen to sit next to this woman who seemed to have a "live" but very quiet conversation all by herself! thank god she wasn't being disruptive or anything. her mouth would open and it seems like she's talking to someone but no words would come out. everyone on the jeep was looking at her like what the??? and they're looking at me like poor girl we hope she doesnt get too violent or anything.

well lucky me, she seems to be so contented with her one way conversation and didn't even invite me to join her. i'd have politely declined or feigned off sleep. she can talk. before the start of our journey, she would even hand off the fare to the driver with "manong bayad daw." i didn't realize she was batty until we were near amorsolo. that's when the one way conversation became too obvious and then she would rub her fight had with her left like she's thinking and then she'd open her mouth and talk to an imaginary person. all i could think of then was just my luck! i spend the whole day listening to nutty customers and now i get to sit right next to Ms. BATTY herself. i felt like i just hit jackpot - sarcasm sarcasm...

favorite mistake

2005-04-21T21:10:00.000+12:00

was supposed to meet love today but they can't find any hotel yet just near naia. did my laundry already (thank god) and now am back at the office on full stone mode. just got no class, didn't even have to solve the mathematical equation. thanks to google.

the reason i am here at the office is not to play thestone, ok? come on you have to believe me. ok so that was not the primary reason anyway ",) but to give my pto form to my supe since i have to attach it to my dtr. i took a leave on my birthday, thus the pto. to pass the time on the jeep, i was reading what i wrote in the form. and i notice to my horror that i put the year of my birth on my pto rather than the current year!!!! sh*t so in all probability workforce has a pto applied on e chiow pa uhr nyen suhr ye san drer. if you can figure it out you'll know. ya go learn hmmmm... it's a rap song. not sure if i made the right conversions though.

anyway, that mistake was probably because of too much excitement in anticipation of the day i have to add another year to current number. excitement my fanny! anticipation my ass! off to do some stone research again (what else???) tata!

do you remember?

2005-04-19T00:40:00.000+12:00

i have a headache...

i shouldn't be complaining since i brought this to myself. went to the webhosting party. last night was a Blast! the night started loudly and ended just as loudly. ask sonny... by the time it ended i was still humming "jumbo hotdog" err... i meant hmmm... that's not it, i think it was some other song... aray???

after the webhosting party, we went to videoke at this place i don't remember the exact name (damn!) but if my memory serves me right it starts with music. it was a night of revelations, what can i say? gwen decided that to remind everyone that she is after all a GuRlLl. pakko (i hope i didn't spell it incorrectly) decided to let it ALL out... (i'm sure anybody who had (dis)illusions about pakko being so quiet and proper were shatterred that night =) cash was simply bowled over by his screa...whoops, sorry slip of the fingers... i meant to say singing skills ",> if you were in that room with us you certainly won't miss a thing. cash can really sing but not as good as i am. NOW that is a joke =) maybe i will, in a million years. man has to go through another evolution before i could acquire that elusive "barbie" voice. sybil let her hair down and decided to give mae rivera a run for her money. nicole showed us her good memory of the abc's (just kidding = ) actually why she's known as the goddess... joi unable to outsing beyonce (missing lyrics!!!!) decided to outdance her instead... Go GurL! rye on the other hand is probably a frustrated opera singer or maybe a ventriloquist in his past life ...... sonny hmmm rather not comment anything about the BORG you know, i still have to send sr's. it was like a walk down memory lane when he started singin - 80's once again. thank god nobody picked i did it my way though - madre mio di ba? and wacks should be hanged...for letting pakko monopolyze the microphone for quite some time. peaches? i am speachless...! the breakfast at tiffany girl. joewhatnow... what can i say william hung errr... ricky martin in the making = > as for me i tried to outsing but nevertheless i was still outsung =) these people seemed to be pros at this than i am. they've just had more practice than i did.

so we sang like the end will come tomorrow. now i know call centers are filled with so many uhm singers just waiting to be discovered?...?? but some treasures are better left buried ...some....

we decided to leave since they're closing already.

in one of my dreams: hic... whooops was that water? hic .... gulped...gulped.... i think i picked up the wrong glass.... slurped...gulped...hic.... too dark in that damn room hic...hic.... ampalaya juice? hic... when did water tastes so g*dd*mn bitter????!!! water please!!!

anyways, crashed at joe's place. nearly blind as a bat, eyes won't open...zzzzzz

next morning crashed darling's place. greeted us with "p***ng *n@ naman O" upon sight. we sort of dragged her out of bed and her beauty sleep...

watched monsters and seven all day. tried my damnedest not to get near any of her dogs which growled everytime i'm on sight. i thought i looked tame...honestly...but her kennels reactions were a wake up call....sigh... very depressed... those were truly depressing movies... tragedies... imagine watching an ugly looking charlize theron make out with a very boyish looking christina ricci. not advisable to watch when you only have less than 6 hours of sleep...

time to pick the champion for tanghalan ng kampyon "webhost manila edition" hmm tsk tsk tsk i'm torn between william hung and aerosmith... however mae rivera is also good. i think i'll keep the winner to myself, just to make sure i also get to keep my head.

***
disclaimer: writer was seriously lacking some sleep and maybe some of her faculties so please try not to take comments above too seriosly

comments? suggestions? violent reactions????... keep them to yourself... if you can't (shrugs), awrighty, POST it HERE!

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.
-Joan Rivers

happyvanny

2005-04-16T23:11:00.000+12:00

oh MY God! just solved another three puzzles. i solved one puzzle in less than 5 minutes... peanuts! that has never happened to me before....

it's so nice to be happy shalalala..... = )

3 hours later:

2 and a hlaf...errr half hours of OT - been working for more than 12 hours straight - lightheaded and dizzy.... tired.... dead tired

tata

2005-04-16T18:57:00.000+12:00

got 5 puzzles today! 32 puzzles in history!!! gloat... gloat... gloat.... ;p
man i'm on the roll.... off to get my sixth. I hope...... yadidadidahdah ...... = )

zzzzz

2005-04-13T19:14:00.000+12:00

sleepy and bored. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .sleepy and bored

an hour more and i'm outta here. jorel just figured out the enigma puzzle for me . . . . sheeesh... stupid answer really. tsk tsk tsk been right all along just haven't been putting it right. drat!

got a head ache. yet i'm off stoning again. more to go...

if i were

2005-04-11T18:30:00.000+12:00

if I were a month I would be: April
if I were a day of the week I would be: Friday
if I were a time of day I would be: 9 p.m.
if I were a planet I would be: Mars
if I were a sea animal I would be: dolphin
if I were a direction I would be: South
if I were a piece of furniture I would be: a bed
if I were a sin I would be: Pride
if I were a historical figure I would be: Elizabeth I
if I were a liquid I would be: water
if I were a tree I would be: Narra
if I were a flower/plant I would be: tulip
if I were a kind of weather I would be: rainy
if I were a musical instrument I would be: a guitar
if I were an animal I would be: a rottweiler
if I were a color I would be: blue
if I were a vegetable I would be: broccoli
if I were a sound I would be: ring ring
if I were an element I would be: Fire
if I were a car I would be: c6 or a porsche
if i were a song i would be: soul to squeeze
if I were a movie I would be directed by: Hideo Nakata
if I were a book I would be written by: lawrence sanders
if I were a food I would be: lasagna
if I were a place I would be: hogwarts
if I were a material I would be: flexible
if I were a taste I would be: sweet
if I were a scent I would be: white musk
if I were a word I would be: stone
if I were an object I would be: ankh
if I were a body part I would be: eyes
if I were a facial expression I would be: awed
if I were a cartoon character I would be: sponge bob, kenshin (for anime)
if I were a shape I would be: octagon
if I were a number I would be: 8

enigma

2005-04-10T19:11:00.000+12:00

doing thestone again. got 27 puzzles - doing cartwheels all over the place - not ",> solved 4 of them yesterday - daymaker, genesis, the man and the deep. the very last one was a real stumper. got no closes or clevers even if i was already typing the name of the ship. those ***dammed stars don't help at all. i solved it without ever knowing what they stood for. as for daymaker, the answer was already right in front of me and i didn't know do anything about it. too simple i thought... talk about making things difficult for yourself. almost read the man's 7 commentaries good thing i stopped at book 2. sheesh....

doing bunches (thanks to cash for the tip - no results yet, can't marry these things off), exhausted and no going back. am in the stumped zone again. off to google now to do some searches.

hoy

2005-04-09T18:13:00.000+12:00

i've always thought august is the unlucky month. but these past two days is about to change my opinion of that. my cousin is about to have an operation to fix his jaw since somebody mashed it with something heavy while he was drunk. my two young cousins broke the windshield of a pajero when one of them remembered to duck while they were throwing stones at each other. believe it or not these two incidents happened all in one day. their mothers were very unhappy, of course. probably ruing the day they were born... they probably wish they had daughters instead. these two aunts of mine all have boys for kids; 4 each = ) mere coincidence?

3:20am yesterday morning, i was awakened with a single word spoken by somebody who seemed to be right behind me. i was half asleep having just changed my sleeping position. i was about to nudge off again when i heard it. it was just one word. it was not that loud; just enough to permeate my sleep-fogged brain. remembering that my cousin was in the hospital, all sorts of scary thoughts were running inside my head. i couldn't sleep again,and since i just used up all of my load i couldn't even call home.

finally around 4am my sister woke up. i told her i was unable to sleep. i was awakened by a shout from person who seemed to be behind me. my sister asked "is it a man's voice?" i said "yeah..." and then she asked again "what did he say?" i go like "HOY!" and she said it's always that one word. i was looking at her and i am getting goosebumps swapping ghost stories with my sister at past 4 in the morning. she told me that she was had been awakened by that same man twice while sleeping alone. always with a HOY!

she asked me if it was so loud and i said no. she said that the first time she heard it, it was so loud she thought there was somebody in the room with her. she felt like the man screamed in front of her face. she even went as far as to opening the door to check if there was someone outside. since there was none, she thought she was dreaming (in the afternoon? - yeah could be). the second time it happened, always a HOY, a man, and loud enough to wake her up from a good afternoon nap. she opened the door again to check if there was somebody outside. NO ONE.

she never told me because she thought she only dreamt it up.
and now that it happened to me, she said "now i know i didn't dream it." how is that suppose to be comforting to me????

birthday blues

2005-04-05T19:12:00.000+12:00

this is what happened on my birthday:

woke up. got a text message that the pope died 9:37pm rome time. a few minutes later, got stomach cramps. ***$#@&?! my period on my birthday!!!??? can't take these anymore...

got a few more text messages to remind me that i'm getting older. sent a lot of thank you's via sms. wasted half the day replying to people. wasted the other half doing the laundry. what a gruesome way to spend your birthday, right?

went to the market with my sister. bought beef, some white onions. forgot to buy rice. decided to go back tomorrow because the heat is just UNbearable. beyond my level of tolerance. i am positively sure i AM melting.

texted ate ange about how to cook beefsteak without having it come out like adobo. got the reply. cooked it as specified on the text message. beefsteak came out decently. tasted like beefsteak but still far from the cooking prowess of my cousin and her mom. so far my sister and i came out unscathed without any trips to the bathroom or the hospital for that matter.

went to mass in the afternoon. was late for the 4:30 pm mass at greenbelt so had to settle for the 6pm mass. the priest related this story:

unethical though it may seem, two priests were arguing when the pope will die. one said: he's gonna day on saturday because he's a marian devotee. the other said: he's going to pass away on sunday because it's the anniversary of the institution of the divine mercy which was a devotion propagated by his kababayan sister faustina. oh well, God has to step in and pacify the two. the pope died saturday 9:37 pm rome time saturday - marian devotee theory; and it's 3:37 am sunday manila time - divine mercy theory. i guess that pretty much ended their argument.

but, why of all days, it had to happen on my birthday? let me tell you God that it's not a morale booster you know........... come on, i can't be that bad???

i may be taking this the wrong way. looking at the wrong side of the equation. but then i've never been good at math. so that may be it.

thestone

2005-03-27T22:43:00.000+12:00

i haven't updated this in what seems like ages. i've been preoccupied with THESTONE - well go figure. wanna know what it is? search for it.

i've got nine puzzles so far since i signed up. and for the free puzzles i've uncovered about 4 of them with help from a couple of people. for the free puzzles am done with the watchers, top secret (steele was able to figure them all out first), gravity(was soo misleading - but ally was the first one to figure it all out - astig!), eye of the storm (which i think was the first puzzle i figured out by myself - i was so delirious let me tell you)= )

for more puzzles sign up. it's free anyway.

i'm trying to figure out these puzzles - the gift, the call, tow the line, the enlightenment, perspective, the manifesto, magic, to focus... and a million others it seems! AND i don't for the life of me know what the heck they're asking me for???? if you know what i'm talking about. any break throughs of your own? please be kind enough to post it here...

load"less"

2005-03-10T00:18:00.000+13:00

why is is that people send you text messages when you don't have any load at all? but doesn't send you any messages when you're "loaded"? sigh...

i accidentally deleted all the messages in my inbox. i've had some of them for over a year. i'm one of those people who find it hard to part with some things. does that make me clingy? hmmm

it's so disconcerting to find no messages at all in there. i feel so...isolated...unloved...

MIA and search bots

2005-03-06T23:34:00.000+13:00

i'm on overtime because some people were MIA - haha. i got michael again of the search bots fame. still asking why google can't index his site. told eu to add an html code that would make his homepage friendly to search bots or to allow them to index it... unsupported issue....

beware the night

2005-03-05T23:22:00.000+13:00

last thursday i read the book beware the night by ralph sarchie. finished the book on the same day. it's mainly about possession (the worst kind) and exorcism. it's one spooky book and powerful enough to make me decide to pray the rosary everynight from then on. i've had goosebumps from start to finish.

if there's one thing that book affirmed for me. i'm glad i was born catholic and still is catholic - albeit not a good one. but i'm glad i am.

ok so the church may not be perfect (it's ruled by men - what do you expect?). but it's the best religion for me. i'm not even religious - remotely (i work on sundays). my mom says my god is money. that's not really so true, i just have a rotten schedule. i work on weekends, reluctantly. ok so not a good excuse.

sarchie is a cop and also sidelines as an exorcist. what he wrote in that book is humbling. if you ever had any doubt about God or Christ, that book will erase that for you. demons are afraid of Jesus, the first exorcist. you will notice how demons in the book cower or answer when they say Jesus' name. they're really scared of him. sarchie and his friend joe assist bishop mckenna during exorcisms. or sometimes he and his friend joe plus other members of his group do the exorcism themselves. they do a black fast before any exorcism to prepare themselves.

there was a case of a demon which they found out to be ancient. while they were exorcising the man he possessed, he said to christ on the crucifix, you weren't suppose to die and to the Virgin Mary you weren't suppose to say yes. the man possessed by this demon has undergone 7 or 8 exorcisms. they can't purge him out. he was really strong. the person he possessed can even take communion. so they know that the demon is not only ancient, it's strong as well.

the problem with failed exorcisms is that it's like a curse on the exorcist. according to sarchie everytime september would come which was when they exorcised the man, life gets hard. he nearly lost his friendship with his best friend joe and nearly got divorce. what kept his relationships together is prayer. there was also a nun who helped during a previous exorcism of this man, she left the convent. sarchie said that it's because the devil hates us humans so much (even his followers), so you gotta have faith that you can get through this. faith hope charity/love...you need these.

and even if you died during possession or because somebody cursed you, your soul wouldn't end up in hell simply since you did not surrender your soul to the devil. the only time it will is if you agreed or gave it up to the being down under. father malachi martin told sarchie that if he ever enountered total/full possession (wherein the person agreed to give his sould to the devil), he has to run like hell.

not all priest can perform exorcisms. and neither can it be performed instantly. it requires investigation. they need to know if it's just something that a trip to the pychiatrist can cure or if not how strong the demon they would have to be dealing with.

exorcism takes it's toll not only on the victim but also on the person doing or helping the exorcism. because for sure the devil will lash out on the people who drove him out in the name of Christ. these people's lives are never the same. it's like you're being constantly tested - your faith, your relationships (family, friends etc). and sometimes the demons haunting the victims would visit the exorcists at their homes as well and terrorize their family. it was i think st. augustine who said that thought is substance. so sarchie says he tries not to think of this Work when he's at home. because when you think of the devil - oh well you're courting disaster. it's like prayer, when you pray to God you're thoughts/prayers link you to Him. so even if you're on your lowest point and feel like God abandoned you, PRAY. thought is substance. am sure he can hear you.

how to distinguish if it's just a ghost or a demon? ghost can only move objects and to move a bigger heavier object it would need a lot of ghosts pooling their energy together. they can't make things (big/heavy things) disappear and reappear. when it starts to do that, chances, you have yourself a demon or something inhuman. and if it can manipulate holy objects, it's a very strong one.

we've always heard of the triple 6 being associated with satanism. oh well this book said the #3 is actually the demon's calling card. the witching hour according to sarchie starts at 3am demons like to do things in reverse. christ died at 3pm and we have 3 persons in the trinity. you would hear 3 knocks on your door and when you open it, of course there's no one there. 3 scratches - mostly in threes. so it's something they look out for.

and want to know why you need to go to confession? it's because once God has already forgiven your sins. the devil can't hurl them against you. he wouldn't know about them at all. it's forgiven. the same way that we acknowledge that there is heaven, we must also believe that there is hell. the more we deny that the devil doesn't exist, the stronger he becomes.

after reading that book, i prayed the rosary that night. when i went to sleep, i experienced something that happened to me before. it's where you thought you're asleep but it's like you're eyes are open. i can see everything in the room. but i cna't move anyhting. and i can hear continous buzzing and it felt like something is trying to sit on my head. what i did as usual is pray the our father and prayed to st. michael for good measure because we all know he fought demons. One time this happened to me, it was so long i nearly finished a decade or two of the rosary and the other time i felt like someone or something was choking me, i was having difficulty breathing. these episodes will always be accompanied by a sort of noisy buzzing and not being able to move any part of my body. i can't scream or talk. and when i tried waking up, sometimes i felt like i woke up already because i find myself walking around our house or our room but then i would suddenly "wake up" and find out i never left the bed at all. and that actually i just "woke up!" weird... so this episode was not as long as the past episodes and the first time it ever happened to me since i moved here. it was probably brought up by my reading of that book. i would usually have these episodes when my body is very tired, i guess it makes our mind susceptible to things like these.

some people are simply born for this kind of noble Work. it requires an unwavering faith and strenght of will. this book has made hell more of a reality for me; as real as heaven. it is however incomprehensible how some people can turn over their souls to the devil. why on God's green earth would they do that???

parang kayo pero hindi

2005-03-02T21:44:00.000+13:00

this was posted by anne, one of my sister's friendster buddies. i'm not sure if she penned this herself - or if she didn't it was probably copied from some magazine or blog or wherever. this is all about MU relationships. if you don't know what that is, then read on. And if you're in one take it as a heads up, it's written for you.

She is a 24-year old copywriter. He is an architect. They met and became lovers in college. They broke up last year but remained to be "friends." They send sweet text messages and he calls her often to make sure she's okay. They still date. They still have sex. They don't see anyone else. It is obvious that they still love each other but when asked about their situation, she doesn't know the real score. Even her friends are in the dark. "Parang sila, pero hindi."She works in a telecom. He is reviewing for the board. They are in the same barkada. They talk on the phone till 4 am. He gives her chocolates, flowers and CDs even when there is no occasion. Their friends are suspecting something. Bakit sila nagsosolo kapag may overnight inuman? Why does he hold her close on the dance floor? Bakit sila magkaholding hands lagi? Sila kaya? "He hasn't admitted anything," she rants. "But I let him hug and kiss me. Parang kami, pero hindi."

They work together in an ad agency. After office, they would watch movie, have dinner and stroll at Glorietta. She gave him Harry Potter books for his birthday in exchange for posing as her boyfriend to make an ex jealous. They made out during the company outing in Subic and never talked about it. He said "I love you" once but she wasn't sure if she heard him correctly because they were both drunk then. But one thing she is sure of is her feelings for him. She likes him. And she's assuming that with what he's doing to her and with her, he likes her, too. There's just one hitch: he has a girlfriend!

She is a 28-year-old virgin. He's a 35-year-old bachelor. Both mountaineers, they became close during their climbs. After a few dates in posh restaurants, he brings her to his condo where they would make out. They have been doing this for months. She wants to believe that "sila na" but then she's not really sure about it. "We don't talk about it but it doesn't really matter," she'd tell her friends. "What's important is I am enjoying this -- whatever it is."

The "parang kayo, pero hindi" stage. Others call it MU or mutual understanding. Pseudo-relationships. Pseudo-boyfriends. Flings. Almost like a relationship, but not quite. It is a phase where the persons involved are more than friends, but not quite lovers. Puwedeng may verbal agreement, puwedeng wala. One or both of you may have admitted your feelings, possible ding hindi. You just let your gestures do the talking for you. Walang pormal na ligawan na nangyari. Hindi kayo mag-dyowa. Pero sa kilos niyo, sa mga sinasabi niyo, parang kayo, pero hindi.

This kind of "relationship" can happen at different stages for different reasons.

It can happen after a break-up. You still love each other, and you want to be with each other but you broke up for a reason. And for reasons that you alone know, ayaw niyo na muna magkabalikan.It can also happen before a relationship, iyong pareho kayong nakikiramdam.

Possible din na ayaw niyo munang mag-seryoso kaya kunwa-kunwarian lang muna. Testing lang.Puwede ring hindi puwedeng maging kayo kasi isa sa inyo --usually the guy --may ka-relasyon na. Kaya habang hindi pa siya nakikipag-break doon sa girl (sabi niya makikipag-break siya soon pero di naman niya ginagawa), wala muna kayong relasyon para nga naman hindi siya nangagaliwa kasi "hindi naman kayo."

This pseudo-relationship stage, for a time, can be fun. Lalo na kung naghahanap ka lang naman ng "kalaro."Pero huwag ka lang mag-e-expect na may patutunguhan kayo kasi wala talagang kasiguraduhan.

So bakit ang daming nagse-settle sa ganitong set up ganoong hindi naman sigurado kung may patutunguhan?Iba't ibang dahilan. Puwedeng for fun lang. Puwedeng "buti na iyan kesa wala" or puwede na iyang "pantawid-gutom." Meaning, habang wala pa iyong the real thing, doon muna sa kunwa-kunwarian. For those who are not in a serious relationship, they would think that pseudo-relationship is better than no relationship at all. It would be fun, if all you are after for is that "kilig" feeling.

Aminado naman ako na once upon a time, may mga pseudo-relationships din ako. No commitments involved. For the simplest reason that they couldn't commit, because they were either committed to someone else, or that they weren't ready to commit.My rationalization, "okay na iyun, kesa wala."

Ang habol ko lang naman, iyong kilig feeling. Iyong merong nagtatanong kung kumusta araw ko. Iyong merong ka-cuddle sa beach outing. Iyong kapag tumunog ang cellphone, mapapangiti na ako dahil alam kong galing sa kanya ang message. Iyong merong laging kasama. Habang wala pa ang the real thing, puwede na itong pagtiyagaan.But then I learned that although it was only a pseudo-relationship, the emotions were real. And usually, in this kind of set up, ang babae lagi ang lugi.

Una, you can't ask him to commit. Since it's not really a relationship, you can't demand commitment from your partner. Ano ba kayo? May K ka nga ba magpasundo ng hatinggabi? You will always be uncertain about your role in his life. You can't expect him to be always there with you. And if you feel jealous of the other girls, you just have to keep it to yourself. Ano ka ba niya para magselos?

Pangalawa, what if you fall deeply in love with him? You can't be sure if he feels the same way. Baka nag-a-assume ka lang na mahal ka rin niya. Even if you are dying to tell him you love him, you can't. Because you're not sure if he'll like it. Baka mapahiya ka lang. This stage will always make you wonder where you are in the relationship. Or if there is a relationship at all.

Pangatlo, what if you become attached too much? What if you have invested all your emotions and this man hasn't? What if you remain faithful to him, not entertaining other guys, only to find out that he is seeing other girls?

Isa pang downside ng pseudo-relationships, it is fleeting. When a disagreement sets in, or when one of you gets cold, then that would be the end of it. Unlike in a serious relationship, hindi mo alam kung saan ka lulugar sa isang pseudo-relationship. Wala kang pinanghahawakan. Kasi sa pseudo-relationship, there is no "us." Meron lang "you and me," hindi "us."

Buti sana kung pseudo-pain din lang ang mararanasan mo. Kaso, hindi eh. Real pain. And usually, kahit tapos na ang pseudo-relationship, hindi mo maiwasan umasang one day, may karugtong pa rin iyun. And you will be miserable, hoping to bring back what you used to have, only to find out eventually that the guy is in another pseudo-relationship with somebody else.Ang hirap, ano? You agreed to this kind of set up for fun and then you'd end up hurting yourself in the process.

Pero puwede naman maiwasan ang pain eh. Puwede naman na hindi mo muna isipin ang future and just enjoy the feeling, without thinking of the consequences.But if you are certain that you are going to hurt yourself in the process, kailangan mo mamili. You can be happy and live the moment without worrying what would happen next. Or you can stop settling with pseudo-relationships and wait for the real thing.

When I was younger and in a pseudo-relationship with an unavailable guy, a friend told me, "Sige, kung ayaw mong magpapigil, bahala ka. Magpakasaya ka. Pero huwag kang iiyak-iyak pagkatapos, dahil tatadyakan kita."

Ang bottom line lang naman, kung magpapasaya sa iyo, gawin mo. Ihanda mo lang ang sarili mo sa consequence. Dahil ang "parang kayo pero hindi" stage ay bihirang nagiging totoo. Usually, hanggang doon lang siya - almost, but not quite.

me aries, you TRZN????

2005-02-27T23:21:00.000+13:00

i was born an aries. i guess that accounts for my bullheadedness. i have the same birthday as my mom's old boss, who went AWOL, went TNT in the states and current whereabout is unknown. i also have the same birthday with a classmate in college who has a serious need to have his head examined or at least the screws tightened.

on one hand, two of my closest friends are sagitarrians - one of my best friends in highschool and my best friend in college. i seem to get along well with them. my mom is a sagi as well. they tolerate my eccentricities.

this is what i found on the web about arians' relationship with sagittarians. it's from http://www.kamalkapoor.com:

Sagittarius, in relation to Aries, is considered favorable. Both are fire signs, and here we have a combination of Jupiter for Sagittarius and Mars for Aries. Together, this produces expansion, much activity, a reaching out for more, a lack of satisfaction with the status quo.
You seldom do things halfway when you are involved with a Sagittarian. For you, Aries, this association could result in long journeys, including journeys of the mind.
On the negative side, there could be plans too big to be practical. There could be delays. Generally Aries, this is a favorable sign for you.
Your sense of humor improves with Sagittarius. You enjoy travel in the company of Sagittarius. These natives help you expand horizons and are an excellent influence if you desire to write, advertise or publish.

take for example my bestfriend in college, love. my sense of humor definitely improved when i met her. she's definitely
N-U-T-S! if you pester her she'll tell you "garo kamo mga aning!" (you're like aning!) and if you asked her who the heck is aning? she'll roll her yes and tell you, it's the keeper of hell...who else? okay get it? and you go duh... ",> leave it to love to come up with all these kinds of stuff.

as for tin, one of my best girlie buddies in high school, she's more of a calming influence. when you're with her you try to behave like her. on the surface you look like you could do no wrong, but you gotta dig a little deeper =)

as for my mom, oh you now how mothers are. i don't have to go through the details here. it will take all of my blog's space. and i don't want to do that ",>

2005-02-25T14:22:00.000+13:00

trying to sleep while waiting for jack to get here. working on a legal holiday, the anniversary of EDSA. does that make me unpatriotic? oh well, the government takes off a chunk of my pay anyway for tax. so scr*w them.

lucid dreaming

2005-02-24T15:33:00.000+13:00

i was going to update this yesterday but never got around to doing it. had a dream of lala again but in this dream i cannot capture any prevalent emotion. there are 3 people in my dream, my sister and I, and then lala dad. it was morning, setting is the shoe box we live in here. she took out this blue sack which had our trash because flies were swarming over it. a horde of big black flies and they were buzzzing like crazy. she placed it outside, it doesn't look like the hallway of where we live but anyway it was outside our room. when i went out i saw the sack being attacked by all those flies. i remember that the buzzing is really loud, quite disturbing but it's understandable because of their number -the floor looked like a black goo spilled over it because of them. they're not just concentrated on the sack also around the perimeter of the sack down by the floor and qite near our door. i decided to close it. you have to understand there were a lot of them. and they were attacking the sack like crazy. i don't ever remember feeling scared or disgusted. i don't even remember what the trash smelled like. i guess you don't have that kind of sensory perception in your dreams. i just remember closing it. but i don't remember if by sealing the sack ( i did it by just pulling the top down) deterred the flies because the dream seemed to have stopped there. i don't remember anymore.

today is not so good. i just discovered i lost 1500 bucks. don't know where it went. oh well, life sucks!

because of my persistent dreams about my grandmother. i've been reading about dreams. i came across some topics on the net regarding lucid dreaming. i'm gonna try these exercises. i want to be more in control of my dreams. they seem to be getting out of hand na eh. i don't wanna wake up everyday feeling confuse.

hindi ito shampoo lang

2005-02-22T22:28:00.000+13:00

there are some things so onerous i don't do them unless there's a gun pointed at my temple. things like going to the dentist and having my hair cut or whatever... they're both traumatic experiences - painful and one way or the other something's gonna get itself pulled out.

regardless, i had my hair done yesterday - rebond actually. took more than 7 hours to get it done. if you don't believe that, no point in continuing to read this. it really took that long. i went to the salon about 1pm went home past 7pm.

here's what happended. when we gotthere, they decided to have a draw. they wrote their names down on paper and i get to choose the unlucky hairdresser who would do it. the person i picked up is the person who asked me to choose ",>

some of the people there started to wish him goodluck, you better start pryaing or you need a miracle ",> well i silently wished him all of that too...

now:
i don't recognize my hair - duh! joel says (the guy who did the rebond) told me after it was done - hindi ka nananaginip (you're not dreaming anymore!) haha. SOB...

when my friends ask me why - i tell them my mother had always told me i need to look human again. it doesn't really feel like my hair, so it must be a wig ",)

but seriously, it's not as easy as it looks. i'm sure joel have said enough novenas and repeated the 5 decades of the rosary over and over again. how many times did he pray it? i wonder.

the first thing he applied smelled so bad, he left it on my hair for probably an hour. then he washed my hair, blow dried it, i thought it didn't work coz it's rising with the humidity again. neeways, he "ironed" my hair. then he applied another thing again left it for i don't know how long, washed it again, applied something that smelled like mint, washed it again and then applied the final thing. he "ironed" my hair again and then tada - here i am with this alien thing that seems to be attached miraculously to my scalp. i went out feeling like my brain was overcooked and everything has turned to mush.

i went home tired. even if all i did on that salon was sit. sighhh...

one of them days

2005-02-21T01:36:00.000+13:00

this is a terrible day! lots of long calls! miva and domain stacking arrgggh!!!! so much for my aht and qa... hello abay!

damn!!!

gwen's post

2005-02-19T19:43:00.000+13:00

this was posted by gwen sa bulletin board in friendster, maybe some of us here can relate hahaha!

Dear Staff:
Please be aware that there have been some minor changes to the Personnel Policy as follows: DRESS CODE: It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing a signature clothing like Guess, Polo, Dockers, Dickies etc. & carrying a Gucci bag or Marithe Francois Girbaud, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise. SICK DAYS: We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work. SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment. PERSONAL DAYS: Each employee will receive 52 personal days a year. They are called Sunday. VACATION DAYS: All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: January 1 & December 25 and all special and regular holidays. RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical Order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time with a co-worker. Both employees' supervisors must approve this exchange in writing. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category. LUNCH BREAK: Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

survey

2005-02-18T19:03:00.000+13:00

Message:
Favorite day of the week? my rest days!
Favorite sport to watch? any sports as long as it's not boxing!
Favorite ice cream flavor? double dutch, cookies n' cream, anything chocolate
Whom did you get your last email from? my very loyal austrian friend, Eva (what's up gurl!)
Which store would you choose to max out your credit card? if i ever decide to have one, powerbooks or national bookstore - to each his own!
What do you do most often when you are bored? surf the net if i'm at the office, at home? i always end up cleaning or doing my laundry
Do you have a bf/gf? both, just kidding ",> i'm certified single
Do you smoke? no, but there are times when i wish i do
Do you drink? occasionally
Are you a player? of alamak and text twist lang ",) (does tht count?) but in all seriousness i'm not
What are your favorite colors? hunter green (isn't it obvious?, i also like blue, black, white and yellow
What is your favorite animal? a dog (i wish i had a rottweiler)
Do you get online a lot? since i'm into webhosting - A LOTTT!!!
Do you hate school? heck... i think i actually miss it!
Do you like to dance? only when no one's watching
Do you like taking pictures? what's not to like?
Do you have a tan? i don't need it
How do you vent your anger? *%#!^$#@+
Do you daydream a lot? not as much as before =>
Are you rude? only with annoying and rude people
What was the last compliment you received? claire says i look thin =)
Describe your looks? i'd rather not ruin my day or anybody's for that matter
Would you ever date someone younger than you? guess not
Would you ever date someone older than you? depends on HOW old... as long as he's not too OLD
How many rings until you answer the phone? if i'm on the floor...sorry na lang sa tumatawag, on rest days...as soon as i locate it from under wherever it ended up after i arrived
Do you look more like your mother or father? FATHER
Do you cry a lot? these past few days - hell yeah...
What do you like most about your body? my feet
What do you like least about your body? my thighs =)
Is your best friend a virgin? i don't wanna ask
Would you marry for money? if i'm practical but i'm not haha!
What do you drive? last time i drove a car - bumper car -enchanted kingdom!
When was the last time you cried in school? geesh that was a long time ago
Would you ever hook up with the same seeex? what!!!
What kind of music do you like? ROCK, R&B
Do you like to party? depende sa company at pag d ako tinatamad lumabas

tonight i can write - pablo neruda

2005-02-17T19:49:00.000+13:00

one of my classmates intoduced me to neruda's work. this piece has always been my favorite.

i wish i can understand spanish...

Veinte poemas de amor y una canción desesperada
Puedo escribir los versos
XX
Puedo escribir los versos más tristes esta noche.

Escribir, por ejemplo: "La noche está estrellada,y tiritan, azules, los astros, a lo lejos".

El viento de la noche gira en el cielo y canta.

Puedo escribir los versos más tristes esta noche.
Yo la quise, y a veces ella también me quiso.

En las noches como ésta la tuve entre mis brazos.
La besé tantas veces bajo el cielo infinito.

Ella me quiso, a veces yo también la quería.
Cómo no haber amado sus grandes ojos fijos.

Puedo escribir los versos más tristes esta noche.
Pensar que no la tengo. Sentir que la he perdido.

Oir la noche inmensa, más inmensa sin ella.
Y el verso cae al alma como al pasto el rocío.

Qué importa que mi amor no pudiera guardarla.
La noche está estrellada y ella no está conmigo.

Eso es todo. A lo lejos alguien canta. A lo lejos.
Mi alma no se contenta con haberla perdido.

Como para acercarla mi mirada la busca.
Mi corazón la busca, y ella no está conmigo.

La misma noche que hace blanquear los mismos árboles.
Nosotros, los de entonces, ya no somos los mismos.

Ya no la quiero, es cierto, pero cuánto la quise.
Mi voz buscaba el viento para tocar su oído.

De otro. Será de otro. Como antes de mis besos.
Su voz, su cuerpo claro. Sus ojos infinitos.

Ya no la quiero, es cierto, pero tal vez la quiero.
Es tan corto el amor, y es tan largo el olvido.

Porque en noches como ésta la tuve entre mis brazos,
mi alma no se contenta con haberla perdido.

Aunque éste sea el último dolor que ella me causa,
y éstos sean los últimos versos que yo le escribo.

buti na lang may translation sa english...
Twenty Love Poems and a Song of Despair
Tonight I Can Write
XX
Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

Write for example, 'The night is shatteredand the blue stars shiver in the distance.'

The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.

Through nights like this one I held her in my arms.
I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.

She loved me, sometimes I loved her too.
How could one not have loved her great still eyes.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her.

To hear the immense night, still more immense without her.
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to a pasture.

What does it matter that my love could not keep her.
The night is shattered and she is not with me.

This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the distance.
My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

My sight searches for her as though to go to her.
My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.

The same night whitening the same trees.
We, of that time, are no longer the same.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but how I loved her.
My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing.

Another's. She will be another's. Like before my kisses.Her voice. Her bright body. Her infinite eyes.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but maybe I love her.
Love is short, forgetting is so long.

Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms
my soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

Though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer and these the last verses that I write for her.

red day

2005-02-15T19:20:00.000+13:00

it was a scary valentine's day. a bomb planted inside a bus by the ayala mrt station exploded killing 3 passengers and wounding others. my sister and i were in glorietta at that time. we wouldn't be there at all if one of us didn't break the bloody iron! (guess who?) so we decided to buy a new one. otherwise, we'd both go to work wearing un-ironed clothes. we would have gone to sm if i didn't remember there's an anson ( at first i thought it was abenson - oh well) on the third floor of the landmark. good thing there was because - well it would have been traumatic if we were in sm. after securing an iron, we decided to call mom so we went to glorietta.

it was past 7pm and we were on the phone with mom and everyone back home - exchanging valentine greetings and what-have-yous. it was probably a few minutes before the call ended when the bomb exploded. my sister says she thought she heard something that sounded like thunder. she thought something heavy on the second floor must've fallen to the floor. well i was talking to my mom, the mall was noisy and i was in a nook where the phone was. i was oblivious to whatever was around me except the conversation i was having with my mother. we said our goodbyes to mom and walked out of that nook. we haven't even taken our third step when we saw people running from the direction of sm ayala. we were like "what the hell is going on?" we stared for a few seconds walked off again and stared again. Heck it's going to become a stampede! and i saw one lady fell (my sister later said that the lady was holding a kid - poor little one)and one guy who was running and who wasn't looking at where he's going at all (he was looking back) stumbled over the lady that was already on the floor. so i decided this can't be good, i dragged my sister (who was still staring at the throng of people coming from that direction) into one store and the guard noticing the commotion outside closed the door. we waited for just a few mintues for the crowd of panicked people to pass and went out of the store. some of the people are now on the second level of the mall. i decided to go home now,most of the stores are closing anyway or looked like they were closed because the store personnels closed it when the thing happened. we went out of glorietta not knowing what happened.

when we were about to crossed the street that's between landmark and the ayala terminal, an fx with a loadful of bleeding people passed by. so it was bad. we still didn't know what the raucus was all about until we got to pasong tamo, our jeepney driver mentioned something to the traffic enforcer about the queue of people at the ayala terminal and the traffic there and the guy said a bus near the ayala mrt station exploded. and we were like "ohhh...."

it's a good thing my sister decided against going to libis that day. she felt a little lazy. her boss wanted her to do some "cold can" there but my sister decided against it. good thing because if she did, we would usually agree to meet in glorietta or landmark. so she would either take the mrt or the bus and she'd go down at that station and - KABOOM - if you're at the wrong pLAce at th wrong. thank God for angels... and the right amount of laziness at the most convenient time.

broken

2005-02-13T23:55:00.000+13:00

sunday again. last friday i broke my iron. g**dammit! now i have to buy a new one. i never did got to email my aunt. it's still saved as draft in my mail client here. never got around to finishing it.

we're going iron-hunting tomorrow. or else we'll both go to work being chase by a plantsa ",>

tomorrow is valentines day. well it's a regular day for me. nothing special except am gonna go look for a new iron. darn it, i'm never gonna be able to buy a ref. just when i have the money something always comes up.

fib

2005-02-08T22:29:00.000+13:00

on my last entry it started with "another saturday...etc" when it was sunday already!!! i didn't realized it until i got home and i thought what the hell it's sunday today. tomorrow is my day off!" i must've been very preoccupied.

That night when i got home and was reading the entertainment section of the sunday issue of the manila bulletin, imagine my shock when i saw angel's picture there! There was an article about him. Turns out he's included in a movie that's going to come out this month, i think. it's kind of spooky. My sister and i can't believe these coincidences. I was going to actually ignore everything, chalk it up ot having an overtly active subconscious, until i saw cathy's invitation in friendster and now here he is. I can't wait to see the other character... what a riot! My sister was asking me "what if you suddenly bumped into him in glorietta?" i'd probably high tail it out of there and maybe just go malling in market market, wouldn't you?

my aunt called that same night. i think my dream spooked her and she's all alone there. i felt bad telling her about it because at least when i'm scared my sister is here now. she's all alone there.

it's a sad dream. i don't want to talk about it anymore. i promised myself that will be last time i'd talk about it. crying is so draining and it's even more frustrating when you don't know what to do about it and if you ever do- how to go about doing it. after talking to her i promise to send the details through email. and so i will and thoughts on what it could mean. that's going to be the hard part. understatement.

friendster is blocked again here at the office. i still wake up at around 4 am. so what else is new?

2005-02-06T21:30:00.000+13:00

another saturday, another day at work. another chance to update my blog.

i found this short piece that was sent by a reader (mirasol enriquez) of the inquirer. i'm not sure what the name of the column was or the exact date it was posted (that happens when you just tear out a page of a newspaper) but it's a nice peice so here it is:

"People come into your life FOR A REASON, A SEASON, OR A LIFETIME.
When someone is in your life for A REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem to be God-sent...well, they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met; our desires, fulfilled; their work is done. Your prayer has been answered and now it is time to move on.
Some people come into your life for A SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn with them. They bring you an experience of peace or they make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.
LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons - those that would give you solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person, and put what you have learned to use in all other areas of your life.
So for those who pass into my life, Thank you for being a part of my life - whether you're meant for A REASON, A SEASON or A LIFETIME."

embers

2005-02-05T20:32:00.000+13:00

yesterday was allan's and ate rose's birthday. i texted them my greetings. the former was quiet as usual and the latter was surprised i even remembered. ate jo and ate ange dropped by for a few hours while they waited for the two kuya eds ",> it's so pathetic when people dropped in on you and you're doing your laundry especially at 8 or so in the evening. oh well, somebody has got to do it.

ever since that dream i've been waking up at the oddest times in the morning. my body clock is so way out of synch. today i woke up 4:47am according to the time in my cellphone (which is advanced by 34 or 36 minutes - i do that as a precaution of not getting to work late. it's like cheating yourself...a self deception of sorts to force myself to move faster than usual). the other day it was 3:53am. that was the earliest. some days i just don't look at the clock knowing it's probably around 4 in the morning.

once i wake up my mind would go on automatic recall of the dream and it would take me some time to sleep again. you may say at least i wake up early... well the problem is it's just way to early...

i checked friendster today and the weirdest thing was catherine T. the girl in my dream who was separated with willie is requesting me to add her to my friendster list! i did... i don't wanna risk incurring the wrath of the fates.

what doesn't...

2005-02-02T21:27:00.000+13:00

my first year working for PS. uneventful, went home late because i had one long last call.

i called my mom when i got home from work on the 31st of january. i've had no time to call since we changed schedules and it's been pretty hectic. queueing every darn day.

i called her from my cellphone. and since i go home past 9pm these days (new sked), ayen had to go to our house that late so that she can lend auntie len's cp to my mother. nataranta siguro si auntie len because i was so insistent. ayen said there's some sicko traipsing about our street so auntie len won't let her go to our house. but she said she'll wait for a few minutes and set out to our house, which she did.

once i started talking about it i started crying. mom said dinadalaw lang daw ako ni lola... and so does my father (because i was probably hysterical then - it was a very sad dream, and using that word is an understatement). well it's a visit of sorts... but this dream is different. it's not happy at all, at all! i kept saying Ma the house doesn't have a door and she doesn't want to have the windows closed! ano ba nangyayari dyan sa naga? it's making some people up there very unhappy.

for whatever reason, she wants the windows open no matter how windy. figuratively speaking at the rate things are going on down there when i was there before christmas, it makes sense. but i wish this was somebody's dream. partly because well mabigat dalhin and the other part was guilt for letting her down. there are smaller parts but its inconsequential",> ayoko maging seryoso...maiiyak lang ako. drama

my mom said she will offer a mass for lala. i told her that maybe lala doesn't like what's happening now. we are driftng apart. words that have been said can never be taken back. so be careful of what you say.

thinking about this just drains me up of my energy and palls my day. makes you wish you never grew up. what a very childish comment...

i should be writing about my first year here in PS especially when I never thought i'd last his long. the first few weeks were pure agony. i had to drag my feet to ayala ave. then to the 32nd floor and i flinch everytime the phone beeps. i've learned so much since then. oh well, you know what they say - what doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger. this is for the webhost manila techies especially batch 1. we've come a long way - take a bow people!

i wonder where i'll find myself next year. another place i hope...

interpretation

2005-01-31T01:05:00.000+13:00

i've been thinking about this dream constantly. i'm not quite sure what some people in my dream stand for. what a crazy combination of characters i have there! angel, i think i know why. his name speaks for itself. i think someone up there is telling to slow down - you know jog. because i've been caught up with my work so much so that i don't have time for almost anything else other than doing my laundry on rest days (haha!.. i've been swimming with my laundry on rest days ",>) and true to his name he guided me to the house where i saw my lala.

as for cathy and willie, i don't know why of all people they were there or why it had to be them. i've never seen her for about two years now and i don't have any tv so i don't know why willie? and they're not separated simply because they've never been married - hah! but that's only if you take the dream literally. figuratively, it may make a weird sort of sense...SIGH

my old subdivision, i can understand. i grew up in that place. it's old territory.

but the house had no door and she didn't want the windows closed. an enigma of sorts. it'd be logical if she was mad because the house was missing a wall and a door, right? why can't everything be black and white? or why wasn't i born psychic?!

i've just never seen her sad or mad in any of my dreams. so that was what probably shook me up. i've only had two that i can remember. the last one was probably a month or so after she died. she was happy. smiling... and this is the dream where i couldn't see her face clearly because behind her shines a light so bright you have to squint to see her clearly. and she was wearing a yellow duster which i recognize and she was sitting on what looks like a rock and it felt like we were outdoors.

i think i know why i remember all the details in this dream. probably because i relive it over and over when i finally woke up. i kept running the scenes repeatedly as i saw them. other dreams i don't even do that. i simply wake up ... change positions and then sleep again. i don't even remember the details as i was waking up. i'm gonna call my mom and have her offer a mass. i'm feeling restless as well...