lost... even with a compass

The Girl
WHaT u DoN'T NeeD 2 KNoW aBouT Me

AL!a$ * V@N!
thestone addict, always looking for a good nudge in the commons, narcissist, kulot, maganda (bwahahahahahah walang kokontra kanya-kanya tayo hokey?), batty, bookworm, nerdy, extremely allergic to math and physics, webhostess/webmistress (wink, wink), best buddies with raven and google (reeeeeally?), trellix site wrecker (hehehe so always recreating them), trying hard na blogger, middlename is LUNA for lunatic or lukaret, know-it-all in training, duwag na nagtatapang-tapangan and i'm paid to surf the net all day every g*dd*mn day!

AGE * TiMeLe$S (i SToPPeD CouNTiNG WHeN i HiT 18)

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December 2004 January 2005 February 2005 March 2005 April 2005 May 2005 June 2005 July 2005 August 2005 September 2005 October 2005 November 2005 December 2005 January 2006 April 2006 July 2006

Doodleboard

BR@!N SQueeZe

(sarcasm and cynism galore)

"I am extraordinarily patient, provided I get my own way in the end."
Margaret Thatcher, in Observer April 4, 1989

i don't know who said this but i agree:
"Hell is empty and all the devils are here."

"Lately, I have come to believe that the principle difference between heaven and hell is the company you keep there."
-- Simon Illyan, from A Civil Campaign by L.M. Bujold

from The Devil's Dictionary by the ultimate cynic Ambrose Bierce :
"Patience: a minor form of despair, disguised as a virtue."
"Diplomacy: The patriotic art of lying for one's country."
"Politics: The conduct of public affairs for private advantage."
"Bride, n.: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her."
"Lawyer, n.: One skilled in the circumvention of the law."
"Year, n.: A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments."
"Pleasure, n.: The least hateful form of dejection."
"Reverence: the spiritual attitude of a man to a god and a dog to a man."
"Admiration, n.: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves."
"Corporation, n.: An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit without individual responsibility."
"Absurdity, n.: A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion."
"Acquaintance, n.: A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to."
"Admiration, n.: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves."
"Bore, n.: A person who talks when you wish him to listen."
"Quotation, n.: The act of repeating erroneously the words of another."
"Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum (I think that I think, therefore I think that I am.)"
"Brain, n.: an apparatus with which we think we think."
"Calamities are of two kinds: misfortunes to ourselves, and good fortune to others."
"Painting: The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather and exposing them to the critic."
"Politics, n.: Strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles."
"There is nothing new under the sun but there are lots of old things we don't know."
"Politeness, n.: The most acceptable hypocrisy."
"Truth: An ingenious compound of desirability and appearance."
"Mad, adj.: Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence."
"Love, n.: A temporary insanity curable by marriage."
"Egotist, n.: A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me."

from Mark Twain:
"Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest." "Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first."
"Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please."
"It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt."
"Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow."

from Voltaire:
"If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him."

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WHaT'S oN MY SH3LF???

The 8th Commandment by Lawrence Sanders

Read it and loved it. Go ahead and meet Dunk, yeah that's the protagonist's nickie

Lawrence Sander's book: Timothy's Game

Monday, July 31, 2006

remembering robert frost:

some say the world will end in fire
some say in ice
from what i've tasted of desire
i hold with those who favor fire
but if it had to perish twice
i think i know enough of hate
to say that for destruction
ice is also great
and would suffice

that's fire and ice.
i'm so cold today.
it's the only poem i know by heart.

Sunday, July 30, 2006

had an argument with the pater today. about tofu. bloody f*ck*ng tofu. according to he-who-is-was-and-will-be- always-right; tokwa and tofu is not one and the same. hala riot ito.

papa ako ang nag aaral ng mandarin hokey?????????? utang na loob...

wala sira na ang araw ko. ayoko munang makakita at kumain ng tofu/tokwa... letch!!!!!!!

impossible... mater is going vegan... so bawal na ang karne sa bahay. kahit isda. pare-pareho kinakain namin para walang inggitan.

kaya kahit nakikita kong kinakawayan ako ni jollibee. tumatanggi ako. at kahit pinauupo ako ni ronald mcdonald sa kanyang tabi, tinatanggihan ko rin. para fair kamo. pero miss ko na ang mga high cholesterol na mga pagkain nyo. pero nakikisama lang naman ako. pakikibaka sa nanay ko. sana maintindihan ninyo.

sa kabilang dako, balik sa tofu. kelangan kong maghanap ng sanlibo at isang daang paraan para lutuin ang tokwa.

Saturday, July 29, 2006

i was just reading this article about the n'sync guy who was gay. anyway, why is it that there's always one on almost any boy band? and why the cutest one at that? oh well...

what i found funny though was his boyfriend was reichen. yeah i remember talking to that guy. he signed up for hosting but it was canceled eventually. i couldn't recall why exactly but well from what i could remember he isn't even sure how his site was built. his old host uploaded it to our servers as a compressed file. we were on a three way call with this guy from india, who was quite difficult to understand. the guy was mumbling which pissed him off. i think some parts of his site weren't working well with our servers. ahh i see i think the site was using mysql which unfortunately we don't support at this time. and we were gonna ask if they can send the files to him as an msaccess file or something. i think they said they can but i'm not sure now... ahh.. i think his site was closed down by his old host for going overbandwidth hahaha. he probably has got a lot of hits. i wonder who's hosting his site now. or maybe he's changed domain names since i can't pull up the site now. anyways, he was pretty polite and nice to me but i think he was none too happy with his old host. i recall looking at some of his pages with his pictures on it and it was so sad that he was gay, really. the guy has a great body hahaha. well too bad... =_)

Sunday, July 16, 2006

my mom is here. she arrived with papa from naga today. i was shocked at how thin she is now. although i was expecting it since she's on a vegan diet since june. no meat (not even fish), and no dairy products. i was totally unprepared for it i want to cry. but i had to tell myself to hold it back. hold it back. of all the things i would hate to do is to break down in front of her.

i can see the swollen lymph nodes on her neck that had been eaten by cancer. because she's thinner now it sticks out like a sore thumb.

minsan natutulala na lang ako. like a car which ran out of gas.

everyone happily goes on their own way. but i feel like my world has just been bombed. i'm too shell shocked. i can't feel anything beyond this pain that i'm feeling right now. everything i do is mechanical. like eating food but you barely taste it. i'm going through the motions of life but i'm barely living. i am just existing - barely.

i try to escape by means of my work. when i go home i just want to drop dead. never wake up. but the sun is so cruel. it always rises on the same spot. i wanted to forget every tomorrow i ever woke up on since march. my world stopped turning during the last days of march. why won't the rest of the world cooperate? why is everyone so cruel.

how long do i have to go on like this. i'm not sure i can endure anymore. even bamboo breaks when bent beyond its limit. i want some respite. most of all i want an out. but this is real life. there is no out. never has been. never will be. this is my reality. to escape into fantasy is foolish. because i know i would have to wake up and face reality. if not now, maybe soon.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Here is your horoscopefor Wednesday, July 12:

You often wonder why people are so hung up about relationships -- both getting into them and getting out of them. Many other people could learn from your happy-go-lucky attitude toward love right now.

That's from my daily astrology chenelyn for july 12. yes i do often wonder. but that's probably because i don't have any 'one' to be hung up about. if that's lucky or pathetic, don't even bother commenting. keep comments to thyselves ok. this is my ten cents on this subject.

i don't understand love. what love? what relationship? judas h priest... is it something i can get at u2 or guess. there's a sale in glorietta right now hmmm... does it ever go on sale? mid year sale. everything must go.

for some people love sucks, others... its heaven on earth. however for me, duh... uhhh... no idea... is it like eating ice cream on a hot day? hmm.. or maybe getting the answer to a stone puzzle that's been Bugging me for months ? i honestly don't understand what the hoolabaloo is all about. it's an illness that makes sane people go insane with no ahh... definite cure. so why love right? why subject yourself to such a curse?

ok so my friends out there will surely say to me "you are one unfeeling brick of a b*tch..." yeah i think i am. so don't you dare come to me sobbing if one prick brick of a guy break yer heart ya hear.

anyway, i'm been watching these mushy stuff on tv just to find out if love is one of those products of watching too much mushy movies and television. maybe it is. dream guys, prince charming, whatever you call them. if you're a girl, asked around. be sure the hunk you're hankering for is a definite hunk of a man who prefers women and not your gay friend, ok. better to be safe than sorry.

here's what i think. that first of all, love is a choice. you decide. come on people, so telenovelas and romance books tell you, you can't choose who you love. they often said it just happens - one day and BOOM you have the love flu. so you can't eat or sleep. think about this, maybe it's just indigestion.

love at first sight? come on, lust at first sight siguro. every sickness have symptoms. prevention is always better than cure. if you shouldn't, then don't fall. para walang problema. walang masasaktan. walang iiyak. get too close to the fire and you get burned. it's a choice, see. if the love/relationship you're going to go into is like a one way street, it's your choice if you're going to venture into that street. would you like to be stuck in a relationship where only one person gives their all while the other one gives only half or holds everything back. no fair right? or would you rather pick a street where traffic goes both ways? where you have enough space for a U-turn. just in case you change your mind.

better to have love and lost... that's right. it is. but deal with the consequences. if you're going to love, then love faithfully. if you're going to lose, at least lose gracefully. utang na loob. don't say "ika mamatay ko pagnawala sya." day, i will tell you ' sige na. palibing pa kita. ' remember like sand in your hand, the more you hold on tightly...

in this day and age, be practical. be logical even at times when you think all logic have gone out of the world. not all juliets end up with their romeos you know. yeah, yeah you're entitled to a romeo just like you're entitled to free speech and guilt-free shopping during mid year sales in greenbelt and glorietta. but i'm sure every one who belongs to the female specie (whether in human or alien form and even those who felt they were cheated when they were born into the opposite specie) feels they are entitled to one. pero pag hindi talaga pwede, huwag nang ipilit.

secondly, it's a work in progress. you want something good, you have to work for it. you want a beautiful lawn, you mown it from time to time. take out the weeds.

so if you're going to love, choose carefully. if you're already in love, continue working to stay in love. love and be loved. amor con amor se paga.

but if you're reading this and you're thinking of whether to stay or to let go... decide carefully. would you rather be alone? or unhappy? if it makes you feel better. sing it. yeah...

seriously, sa ganitong mga usapan. it all boils down to YOU. yes, YOU. what do you want? this is your life. you choose the noose you're going to hang yourself with. so go out there. it's a Big Ocean. go fish, love and live. don't ever settle for anything less.
=_)

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

10 F A V O R I T E S
> TV show: mygirl, naruto :D
> Flower: roses, sunflowers, forget-me-nots
> Alcohol: cuervo tequila, daiquiri, margarita
> Color: blue, black, white
> Sport:basketball, volleyball
> Mall: glorietta, market market
> Music: rock, pop, acoustic
> Food: pizza, pasta, anything cooked by my mom and aunt des
> Season: christmas (it's the only time it ever gets cold where i am)

1 0 F A C T S
> Hometown: naga city
> Height:5'3" (daw=_)
> Hair color: black
> Hair length: 3-4 inches below the shoulders
> Shoe size: 5 - 5.5
> Mood: somber
> Sex: female

1 0 L O V E L I F E
> Have you ever been in love: no
> Do you believe in love? yes
> Why did your last relationship fail? what relationship????
> Have you ever been heartbroken? yeah
> Have you ever broken someone's heart? no idea. if i ever have i never heard about it
> Have you ever fallen for your best friend? no
> Are you planning on getting married? hmm... maybe
> Are you afraid of commitment? depends on the 'who'

1 0 T H I S O R T H A T S
> Love or lust? love f i can have it
> Hard liquor or beer? it depends
> Night or day? both
> Hook-ups or relationship? relationship
> T.V. or internet? more on the net =) frequently stay online more than infront of my tv
> Pepsi or coke? are you kidding - coke always!
> Wild night out or romantic night in? both but depends on the occasion
> Saturday or Sunday? saturday
>Colored or black and white picture? colored
> Phone or in person? person

1 0 H A V E Y O U E V E R S
> Have you ever been caught sneaking out? yes
> Have you ever skinny dipped? not yet
> Have you ever done something you regret? yeah, a lot...
> Have you ever bungee jumped? not yet, where can i do that here?
> Have you ever been on a house boat? not yet
> Have you ever finished an entire jaw breaker? yes and this jaw lived to tell its tale hahah!
> Have you ever wanted someone so badly it hurt? think so
> Have you ever stayed up all night til the suncame up? yes
> Have you ever been caught by your parents witha hickey? no
> Have you ever been caught by your parents doing more than making out? no

10 A R E Y O U S
> Are you missing someone right now? yes
> Are you in love with anyone? other than my narcissistic self, no one i'm aware of
> Are you happy? hardly, short on that one
> Are you talking to anyone right now? no
> Are you bored? to kingdom come
> Are you German?: hardly
> Are you Irish? not even a pinch
> Are you Italian? if eating pasta makes one an italian, i would be
>Are your parents still married? yes
> Do you like someone right now? not a one

Sunday, July 02, 2006

The SunSun in Aries:

The truth that each of us is essentially alone and that we must ultimately answer to ourselves regarding our choices in life is one that resonates deeply within you. Thus, your first loyalty is to yourself and to living your own life as authentically as possible. When you are most yourself, you are a risk taker, a trailblazer, forging your own path rather than following anyone else's lead. Whether or not you have the courage to do so, to boldly assert yourself and follow your own star - standing alone when necessary - is crucial to fulfilling your life purpose.

There are many ways, both positive and negative, you could choose to express this core sense of singleness and this need to be an original or a pioneer. You may, for instance, simply choose to remain single. Your independence, autonomy, and freedom are very important to you, and at heart you really do not want to be distracted from your purposes or encumbered by the responsibilities and complications that accompany close, ongoing partnership with others. You are by nature a solo. This does not necessarily mean that you will avoid intimate relationships or commitments, but there must be some arena in you life where you are the chief, where you take initiative and make the decisions. Being a sole proprietor of an upstart business enterprise, free lancing, supporting yourself with as little external input as possible - they are all possible expressions of your inner drive to live life on your own terms, by your own inner creativity and dictates. If you do not feel you are your own boss, you simply will not be happy. Your lifestyle and work must reflect your strong impulses to be self-reliant as well as to create something NEW, in order for you to be in harmony.

That is my sample destiny reading from astrology.com. Funny how most of the tests I took up always seem to include the word ALONE. Perhaps I must be destined for solitude.