i don't know who said this but i agree:
"Hell is empty and all the devils are here."

"Lately, I have come to believe that the principle difference between heaven and hell is the company you keep there."
-- Simon Illyan, from A Civil Campaign by L.M. Bujold

from The Devil's Dictionary by the ultimate cynic Ambrose Bierce :
"Patience: a minor form of despair, disguised as a virtue."
"Diplomacy: The patriotic art of lying for one's country."
"Politics: The conduct of public affairs for private advantage."
"Bride, n.: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her."
"Lawyer, n.: One skilled in the circumvention of the law."
"Year, n.: A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments."
"Pleasure, n.: The least hateful form of dejection."
"Reverence: the spiritual attitude of a man to a god and a dog to a man."
"Admiration, n.: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves."
"Corporation, n.: An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit without individual responsibility."
"Absurdity, n.: A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion."
"Acquaintance, n.: A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to."
"Admiration, n.: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves."
"Bore, n.: A person who talks when you wish him to listen."
"Quotation, n.: The act of repeating erroneously the words of another."
"Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum (I think that I think, therefore I think that I am.)"
"Brain, n.: an apparatus with which we think we think."
"Calamities are of two kinds: misfortunes to ourselves, and good fortune to others."
"Painting: The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather and exposing them to the critic."
"Politics, n.: Strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles."
"There is nothing new under the sun but there are lots of old things we don't know."
"Politeness, n.: The most acceptable hypocrisy."
"Truth: An ingenious compound of desirability and appearance."
"Mad, adj.: Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence."
"Love, n.: A temporary insanity curable by marriage."
"Egotist, n.: A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me."

from Mark Twain:
"Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest." "Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first."
"Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please."
"It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt."
"Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow."

from Voltaire:
"If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him."

*****************************************

*****************************************

WHaT'S oN MY SH3LF???

The 8th Commandment by Lawrence Sanders

Lawrence Sander's book: Timothy's Game

Monday, April 17, 2006

I still don't understand how we ended up here. I don't understand why my mother didn't tell us that something is wrong. She kept it to herself for several months. My brother called me on the 24th. He was crying. My mother refused to go to a doctor and have it check. She won't even let him see if there is indeed a lump. The next day my father went to my aunt's and told them. Auntie Aida went to our house (she was about two hours away since she live with my grandmother lala Yin). And when I called my aunt later, she said it's as big as an apple. My mind went like...Holy shit that's big. And I was blank after that. I know I cried... A LOT. After all a tumor that big must hurt somehow.

There's a small laceration because my mom has been scratching it. It's itchy. As big as an apple. An image of that description would stay with me for the next several days until I reached Naga. I thought about nothing but that lump when I'm awake; and I would see it my dreams and worry about it some more for the next several days.

That Saturday, I spoke with my mom and she still refused to go see a doctor. I pleaded and insisted and pleaded and pleaded some more, and when she finally agreed; they went to the old Mother Seton. But the doctors are now gone since it was already Saturday afternoon and they only spend half the day in their clinics during Saturdays. So I spent that weekend in lala land. I'm not sure how or when I managed to land and come out of that daze. It was the definitely the worst weekend of my life. If waiting could kill, I'd be dead by now.

But I couldn't ask her (my mom) if it hurts because if it does... I don't know... I'm not sure what I'd do. If it hurts well...it's not a good news. I couldn't remember how I survived that weekend. Waiting for the doctor's confirmation is just waiting for the axe to fall. I think I barely talked with my mom during those two days because I'm afraid of breaking down over the phone. She was tense enough and angry enough with my brother for even calling us. She was telling me during the one time I was brave enough to speak with her that she doens't want us to worry. She will not be operated on. And to pray and not to worry. And I'm like 'come on.' I'm your daughter, of course I'd worry. It's not like I have two moms here that I could afford to lose one.

At worked I researched on everything about breast cancer. Every search engine result brought me down on my knees and I would cry harder. Good thing nobody was sitting next to me or they would think I have gone nuts. I ended up going to the bathroom so many times in those days because I would lock myself up and cry there so no one would hear me.

They consulted a Dr. on monday (March 27). My brother accompanied my mom. The tumor was 3-5cm. They went back the next day for a biopsy. On the 29th it was confirmed. I was already expecting this but I was hoping against hope that it's not as worst as I thought. It has spread onto her lymph nodes on her neck. If you feel the area around her neck, you would feel some lumps. Small ones, a few big ones.

My brother would later tell me when I went home (first week of April) that when he went to class later in the evening, he was a mess, tulala... He couldn't even understand what the lesson was all about. He couldn't focus on what was being said by his teacher or his seatmate. If somebody talks to him he would just nod his head or shrug his shoulders.

My sister and I went home on the night of April 2nd because joey was on leave during for that day so I couldn't go on leave. Everyday waiting is torture of the worst worst kind. I dread going home everynight when I would be all alone and I would cry myself to sleep. I remember calling my Aunt in Texas and I couldn't even utter a sentence coherent enough to tell her all that happened. Although I think I did manage to tell her they found a tumor on her breast. And I just broke down after that. All I remember was crying. My Aunt had to call me the next day after I have calmed down. It's not like we haven't dealt with something like this before. Her own mother had died of an ovarian cancer and my grandfather died of colon cancer. But Not another one, please.

I arrived in Naga on my birthday. I saw it and felt it. I read the biopsy report. It's invasive (bad news) and has metastasized on the nearest lymph node. My mom is optimistic she can fight it. She doens't want to go under the knife. My grandmother and aunts said the same thing. The cancer would metastasized faster when they seem to operate on it. Look at where my grandma's sister and granfather is now. We need a miracle. I DON'T want to lose her.

I am afraid that if she didn't undergo surgery it would spread and take her away from me; and if she undergo surgery it would spread faster just like what happened with others before her and she would be taken away from me anyway. I don't know what to do. I'm just waiting... waiting....

Am I angry at God? Maybe. I don't know. But I think I am too hurt and confused to be angry at God or anyone. I am too out of it to waste my energy on something as destructive a hating. I don't even want to feel. I want to be numb. I don't doubt that He is there. I know He is there. I don't understand why my mom. I don't understand at all. I'm too dazed. It hurts so much that I can't see. If this is my birthday gift can I return it? I don't want to be on denial. Yet, I cannot swallow this. If this is our cross, I am already reeling. But I have to be strong for everyone's sake, for my mom's especially. I LOVE her a lot.

This Holy Week is so far my darkest and my only solace is prayer. So what's the first step on getting a miracle? Believe. The first Easter Sunday is over. I still have 49 more Easter Sundays to go. I look forward to Pentecost. Somewhere in this darkness, God must be at the end of it.